Hello Emesis and welcome to the Cancer Chat forum.

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's terminal diagnosis and for the very difficult and upsetting situation you are now in.

Being given a terminal cancer diagnosis can be very distressing. Such life changing news will, naturally, bring about a whole host of emotions, many of which can be very difficult to cope with. They may become so overwhelming that an outlet is needed to release all these emotions but how your husband is behaving towards you is not acceptable and from what you've mentioned in your post it sounds like he could be exhibiting some signs of domestic abuse. I know that must be scary to read but it's important to recognise that domestic abuse isn't always about violence, it can also include emotional, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour.

I know you came here to find out how you can help your husband, but before you can do that you need to put yourself first and make sure you feel well enough, and safe enough, to do this. I know you don't want to leave your husband but if it ever does get to a point where you need to seek help, please don't hesitate in reaching out to Women's Aid or Refuge. You may also like to call the National Domestic Abuse helpline. You can either contact them through their website or give them a call on 0808 2000247. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and have expert advisers who offer confidential, non-judgemental support, so there is always someone available if you are ever in need of some advice. 

I know with Christmas just around the corner that this may be difficult, but if you can, it may be worth speaking to your GP about this as they will be able to support you and advise you on how you can look after yourself and your husband at this time. You may be able to get further support and advice from Marie Curie, who support anyone living with, and affected by, a terminal illness, including friends and loved ones. The cancer charity Maggies also offer free support to anyone with cancer and their families. You can find out more just here.

I'm sure some of our members who have been in a similar situation will be along soon to offer their thoughts and advice but in the meantime, we're thinking of you Emesis and sending all our strength and support your way.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator 

Whilst not the same, i had difficult patches when my wife was going through treatment, and it wasn't outright abuse. Her "difficult" behaviour only arose when she was taking steroids, but it wasn't pleasant at the time. I used to close myself away in a room some days because i knew the shouting and whatnot was coming, but it was always temporary. I'm one of those that by nature shouts/argues back when receiving it, cancer diagnosis or not. But i knew it wasn't my wife as she's not like that at all.

We spoke to her oncologist about this, and to my surprise, he made a joke about it. Saying, we're doing well because we were talking, and he has a fair few couples through his door that have begun to loathe one another and haven't spoken to each other properly in weeks. It's easy for those people who aren't living in the middle of this to make light of it, but when you're the one living through it, you fail to see the joke. Also, friends and family show their true colours. They get the best parts of people. Like looking after someone's kid for a few hours and being able to hand it back, so they only get to see all the good bits, and none of the sleepless nights and tantrums.

I'd mention all this to your husband's treating doctors because it's not beyond the realm of possibility that the medication he's receiving is playing a part in this.

My overriding feeling with this is abuse is abuse, cancer diagnosis or not. And no one needs to put up with it, nor should they. Ignore those friends and family that basically make out you have a duty of care. If they're so concerned, let them step into your shoes for a week. They won't, because they don't want to face the truth, they just want to go home and delude themselves into thinking how a person acts in front of them, is how they act all the time or that the person getting the abuse someone signed up to it and have a duty of care because "cancer". Then you get those folk that have been through it themselves, the abuse part, and because they managed to stay the course, means you should put up with the **** they did.