Hello Cabbs, 

I am so sorry to hear that your mum's breast cancer has spread to her pelvis and bones - it's so sad that this is happening when you only lost your dad in August and have not even had a chance to grieve properly. How heartbreaking for you to see her so frail and that she seems to be giving up and not putting up a fight anymore. I hope that the district nurse will have some helpful advice for you next week and that support will be put in place very soon as it sounds like it may be needed especially as you are doing most of the caring for your mum and I can imagine you are feeling exhausted at times and that emotionally it can be really hard. I am sure your mum is very grateful and appreciative of everything you are doing for her. Our website has helpful information for family, friends and caregivers which contains helpful tips on how to support someone with cancer but also on how to look after yourself which is also very important and can be easily forgotten. 

Sometimes it's really hard to talk to others about this - as you say, others may not know what to say or they may struggle to find the right words. This is why this forum is a great place for you to connect with others who know exactly what you are going through at the moment and who have found themselves in a similar position before. I hope that they will be along shortly to say hello and share their story with you. You are definitely not alone and we are thinking of you and your mum during this difficult time. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Cabbs,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and know just how difficult this is. I lost my own mum 26 years ago, when her breast cancer had spread to her liver, lungs, brain and bones. At that time there weren't the choice of treatments that are available today and there was nothing that the medics could do for her. She was first diagnosed with primary cancer 12 years prior to this. After she was told that her cancer was terminal, she became a frightened wreck of herself, as she was terrified of death for her entire life. We did eventually get a counsellor to speak to her, when she was in hospital and this did help her considerably. Could you maybe arrange for someone from Macmillan to visit your mum? It is sometimes easier for us to speak openly to a stranger, who has experience of cancer, than it is to talk to our family and risk upsetting them even further.

Since my mum died, I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself and I have found that many people don't know what to say to someone who has cancer. I have been disappointed by some, so called friends, who suddenly disappeared into the ether, but I have also been pleasantly surprised by how other friends, have stepped up to the plate and been a fantastic support. A cancer diagnosis affects not just the patient, but their entire family. I can fully understand how hard you are finding this latest news and it will take some time for it to sink in fully. 

I am glad to heart hat you are seeing about putting some support in place. It is so difficult to watch someone you love, suffering like this.  Try your best to keep your mum as comfortable as you can and to ensure that any pain she has is well controlled. Is there anyone who she would like to see, or anywhere that she might want to visit, while she is able - if so, perhaps you could arrange this? If she doesn't fancy eating, the doctor can prescribe build up drinks, or puddings, which can be delivered to the house. Some of these don't taste great, but you'll eventually find out which flavours she likes - we were given an assorted lot the first time, which was very helpful. You may also qualify for additional benefits and carers coming in to help with your mum's personal needs. This would give you a little respite throughout the day. You may well have a hospital bed delivered for her too - this is usually more comfortable than a standard bed and is more helpful, as her care needs increase.  Is St Peter's nearby and does it provide hospice care - if so is this what your mum wants and do they have availability? Be sure to discuss these needs next week.

Many of us here have been through this a number of times, with different family members and we are always here for you. There's nothing that you can say that will shock us, as those of us who have been through this, know only too well how hard it is, both emotionally and physically.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on next week. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx