HI Amethyst,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's latest diagnosis and know first-hand just how difficult this is to cope with. My own mum had a primary breast cancer diagnosis and then got a secondary diagnosis 12 years later. By this time the cancer had spread to her liver, lungs, bone and brain. That was 26 years ago and there was no treatment offered at that stage. It is fortunate that they can do so much more now and I am glad to hear that your mum's care team is considering a new chemo plan, as well as inserting a hip pin to stabilise her hip. 

My mum was a closed book too, fiercely independent and didn't want to upset the family by talking about it. I am her double and have since had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself. When mum was alive, we didn't have the resources that we have now. I was diagnosed 14 years ago and by then, I was fortunate that so many cancer charities had sprung up. I saw a counsellor at Maggie's, which was extremely helpful. I also attended for some of their relaxation therapies and classes and occasionally popped in for a cuppa and a blether with other people who had cancer, MS or other life threatening diseases.

I joined a weekly pain management class, which was also helpful. I also attended the Lymphoedema clinic, where staff have managed my bilateral Lymphoedema for the past 14 years, I also found the Haven, another cancer charity, which offered similar services to Maggie's. The nurse there had some helpful coping strategies too. Getting out and meeting people who were in a similar situation to myself made such a difference to how I felt. If your mum is not fit enough to go to anything, you can still attend. These services are there for people with cancer, but also for their families, as a cancer diagnosis affects the whole family. Macmillan will also come out to chat with your mum or speak to her on the phone. I found talking to a stranger with experience of the disease, was much easier than talking to family and I could be truly honest about my own thoughts and feelings, without fear of upsetting someone. Maggie's have a number of centres throughout the country. If you don't have one near you, there are a lot of other charities, which offer similar services. There are also a number of support groups for people with secondary cancer dotted around the country, where people derive support from one another.

The main thing is to ensure that your mum is well cared for, that her pain is well controlled, that she knows that she is loved and that you are there to support her. Try to make what memories you can with her, for the sake of your daughter.

There are a number of other contingencies that can be put in place, as the disease advances, but there is time enough to worry about these, when and if you need to. Besides, the palliative care team will help to put these in place for you.

Please keep in touch and let us know how your mum gets on with her treatment. You are in my thoughts and prayers and we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx