My bf has cancer and is pushing me away

My bf was diagnosed with bladder and prostrate cancer earlier this year. He never allows me to be with him for any of his appointments, which I struggle to accept, but I guess we are all different. 

He is due to have an endoscopic biopsy, as suspected secondary may be present in his pancreas. I kept asking when his appointment was, and mentioned that he will need a lift home from hospital after this procedure. At first he was adamant that he'd get a taxi home, or get one of his work mates to collect him. Today I asked him if he had everything ready, and told him even my teenage children said I really should be there tomorrow and I should insist. I called him, and said I needed to be there but he told me his son who lives even further away from him than I do, is collecting him. Naturally I was a bit miffed, and felt rather hurt that he didn't take me up on my offer, so I said I will be there regardless, even just to give him a hug. So now he told me he's just sent a message to the Consultant's secretary, cancelling his procedure tomorrow. I feel hurt that he won't even let me be there and would go to such lengths  but he insists on going to mine and wanted me to make him my next of kin.

  • Hello Lonely1

    I'm sorry to hear about your partner's diagnosis and the difficulties this is causing between the two of you. People react to the news that they have cancer in many different ways and it's not uncommon for some people to push away those that they are closest to. 

    It's understandable that you're feeling hurt and upset by his behaviour and I can imagine that you feel frustrated that you're not allowed to help or support him in the ways that you would like to be able to. 

    I don't know if the two of you have been able to have an open and honest conversation about the situation. Has he said why he doesn't want you to be with him at appointments? Could it be that he's trying to protect you or that he's embarrassed at potentially being seen in a vulnerable situation during treatment appointments? I don't know if you've been able to explain how you feel about the whole situation and if talking is too difficult between the two of you then perhaps you might be able to convey your concerns and feelings through a letter or maybe a mutual friend. 

    It's obviously a difficult time for you both and likely that emotions are running high on both sides. If you think it may help to chat things through someone you're welcome to call our nurses on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. I'm sure they will be happy to listen and offer any support they can. 

    I do hope that things improve for you both soon. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

  • This is an awkward question but are you sure he has cancer?

    I ask because his behaviour matches that of a case that came up on this forum a few years ago. That turned out to be Munchausens syndrome - a mental health condition where to gain attention the patient pretends to have a life-threatening illness. It all falls apart when they claim to be having surgery but insist everyone stays away. 

    Of course, he may just be trying to shield you from the experience but its a scenario worth considering.

    Good luck

    Dave

  • Hi Lonley 1,

    firstly you are amazing, i sometimes wonder if its harder for the partner than the patient. i have had a year of rubbish and my wife is fab - but i was horrible !!!. i just wanted to wallow

    in my self pity - keep up the great work - i know it must be so tough and i respect you for that.

    GOOD LUCK !

    Simon