Hi Sarah,

I'm really sorry for you, your sister and your family. Sadly I can understand your situation. My aunt, who was married but childless, also decided not to carry on with treatment for the same reasons as your sister. Only uncle knew this, the rest of our small family found out when she was rushed into hospital just before she passed away. We were angry with her decision and, although uncle was devastated (they were joined at the hip), he understood and accepted her decision. He was a better person than we were!

I had just been diagnosed with Stage 3 melanoma at that time and I vowed to try any treatment that was offered. I've been lucky and managed to survive without progression for 13 years. However, last year I became very ill with pancreatitis and pneumonia and almost died. The first 6 months of recovery were horrendous and I believed I would never be able to have a normal life again if I survived. Also, the pancreatitis has aggravated my lymphoedema, putting me in hospital again with an E-coli infection. In my darkest moments I understood that it's quality, not quantity of life that's important when looking down that dark tunnel. Thankfully I've survived but if my cancer returns, I can't say I would definitely take quantity, with treatment side effects and no quality at the end.

As family, especially when caring for your loved one, it's natural to feel angry at their decision. However, as a cancer patient we need to feel some control over our existence and this is the last piece of control your sister has. We come into the world alone and we leave it alone. I hope you and your sister can heal the hurt between you, and the time she has left is filled with love, comfort and peace. 

Angie

Hello Angie, thank you so much for your reply.   I read your answer to me about 6 or 7 times, and I kind of had an epiphany.........that maybe it is ME that is the one who is being selfish.  You have made me realise that I am expecting my sister to carry on living a life that has become intolerable for her, just because I can not bear the thought of losing her.  I am putting MY feelings and needs above those of my sister, and I sort of feel ashamed of myself.  I am going to heal the rift with my sister and tell her that although I would love for her to change her mind and carry on with her treatment, that I absolutely understand why she feels that she can no longer live a life that is now horrendous for her.  It is wonderful that you can take the time to help others when you have been through so much yourself, and may have to face more trials and tribulations in the years ahead.  Thank you so much for making me see that this is not about me or what I want.......this is about my sister.  I wish you good luck in all that you do, Sarah, xxx

Hi Sarah. How long has she been on the treatment for? Could it be that it's the disease rather than the treatment that is making her feel that way? Has she told her oncologist about the side effects? As somebody who is on the same treatment (albeit for primary breast cancer) I would question whether the way she feels is down to the medication, and her team should be able to help her with that.

I am praying for you all

xxx

Hello Theresaofthe Roses,  My sister told me that it is the disease itself that is making her feel so exhausted and constantly tired.  Also, because the cancer is now in her lungs, she can only walk a short distance before she has to sit down and get her breath back.  I think that another big factor in her decision not to carry on with the treatment is the fact that her partner has had to go in to a care home, because he is also very ill and partially disabled.  My sister was his carer, and they are devoted to each other, but of course, when the cancer returned, she knew that she wouldn't be able to care for him any more and she had to find somewhere for him to be taken care of.  That's why she came to live with me while she is having her treatment.  I think that being parted from her soul mate, as well as no longer being able to do the things she loves to do, has contributed to her decision to stop her treatment.  I have tried so hard to make her change her mind, but I must now accept that for her, life is about quality, not quantity.  Thank you so much for your reply, and thank you also for your prayers, it is very kind of you to think of others when you are going through this cancer nightmare yourself, I wish you good luck on your journey.........the journey that no-one ever wants to go on, Sarah,  xxx

Hi Sarah, bless you. We are all guilty of reacting as you have but it's so good to hear that you and your sister will face what's to come together. Make memories and share laughter xx

Hi Sarah,

Be kind to yourself, you weren't being selfish you were reacting normally to a difficult truth. 

Sometimes people recently given a difficult prognosis have a knee-j e r k reaction and make what seem to be bad choices. This can go both ways, either through despair and refusing treatment or by clutching at straws and opting for treatment which has a low chance of success. The problem is that, in reality, no-one knows how things are going to turn out until very late on. 
As an example, in late 2013 I was told I only had a 5% chance of surviving my own cancer if I opted for chemo and a 0% chance if I didn't. My Mum and Grandad had both died of cancer after enduring what for them was a very challenging chemo experience. 
This left me in a dilemma - I could enjoy to the full the 3 to 6 months of life I had left or I could allow my body to be poisoned and for me to feel lousy for that time gambling on what were only 20:1 odds against me. 
You would not believe how many people, some almost complete strangers, offered me unasked for advice on what I should decide. This ranged from "go out in a blaze of glory - your wife and kids will receive the life insurance anyway" to "it would be a mortal sin to give up". 
My logic for having chemo was that it would be like winning the lottery - a low chance but 5 people in every 100 will be incredibly lucky. 
The key difference between my case and your sister's was that my cancer had almost no symptoms, so hadn't yet impacted on my quality of life. I can't honestly say whether I would have chosen differently if it had but that would have been MY decision and I would expect everyone else to support me in that.

I'm so pleased that your thoughts have changed now you've had a few days to process things. This won't help you cope with the unavoidable anticipatory grief over your sister's situation, but it will help her mental wellbeing knowing that she won't have the added stress of arguing with you over what she has decided.

Good luck to you both for the future.

Dave

Hello Davek, and thank you so much for your reply.  It is very humbling for me to know that the folks who are reaching out to me are already going through so much themselves (or have already been through so much).  I honestly believe that my sister would have carried on fighting for her life IF she was able to have some semblance of normality to look forward to, and for my sister, normality is being able to travel and to go for her long walks in the countryside, and being amongst nature, which she loves so much.  My sister told me that this was the hardest decision she has ever had to make, and that she thought long and hard about it before she made her final decision.  She told me that the last thing she ever wanted was to hurt the people she loves, but she is now starting to feel like a prisoner in her own body, and she knows that eventually she will probably end up in a wheelchair and having to have carers in to help her to shower and dress.  My sister has always been very independent, and whilst she has the greatest respect for all of those people who DO carry on fighting for life, even when their bodies have started to shut down and stop working properly, that for her, this is simply not an option.  Yes, I will be heartbroken when the inevitable happens, but I have finally accepted that this is HER decision and she told me that her partner, although absolutely devastated, is one hundred per cent supportive of her wishes.  It kind of makes me realise just how much my sister and her partner love each other..........his heart is breaking, and yet he is prepared to set her free if that is what she has chosen.  I guess that's what real Love is, isn't it?  Allowing those we Love to go free, even when it is killing us inside.  Good luck to you Davek, and I wish you nothing but the very best, Sarah, xxx

Thank you so much Angie, Sarah, xxx

Hi Sarah,

I am in a similar situation to you. My husband has decided not to have further chemotherapy for his stomach cancer. He felt he had a poor quality of life due to extreme fatigue and tiredness. He felt he was living in order to have chemotherapy, not the other way round and does not want to continue this way. I was very upset but of course we can't feel what they have to go through but have no choice but to respect our loved ones decisions.