Hi SP441,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

I am so sorry to hearof your partner's diagnosis and understand the difficult position that this puts you in. Your partner would have to give his permission for his care team to be able to speak to you about his condition. If he is willing to do this, his care team can then speak to you freely and without being in breach of data protection. This is possibly the easiest way to get the answers you seek, although how you then get him to sort things out is a different matter!

People deal with a poor diagnosis in different ways. Some want to put everything into order straight away, whilst others feel totally overwhelmed and can go into denial. Although the doctor has said not to get your hopes up, this indicates that there is some hope, so your partner is probably clinging on to that, no matter how tenuous it may be. You don't want to leave him in the depth of despair and feeling that there is no hope, so you need to handle this carefully.

I do hope that he will be happy for you to discuss  things with his care team and you can move forward from there.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi,

The problem is that the doctors have as little idea about what the future holds as you do. All they have to go on are statistics, these are great with large groups of people but less than useless when applied to individuals.

Jolamine is right, we all react differently to bad news or negative diagnoses. Some people write their wills and DNRs, others make detailed funeral arrangements and some visit their local hospices.
I did the first two but refused the third as, for me, that felt too much like admitting defeat. Even though I'd been told I had only had a 5% chance of survival and that only after I'd pressed the oncologist and done my own research. 
We somehow need to tread a fine line between hopeless despair and false hope. 

Good luck

Dave

Thank you both so much. Your answers both really helped. I think you're right about treading that fine line, holding and living with that uncertainty, preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I wish you all the best with your health Dave. That must have been very difficult to hear. It makes me wonder whether my partner's doing his own research but putting on this positive front for me. I'll bring it up when we've both had a bit of time to digest.  I really appreciate your taking the time to reply. It means a lot. I feel less alone.