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How can I support my sister? She's angry all the time

Carebear1
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My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer & we were all devastated. We rallied round but as the years went by we all tried to get on with a normal life as possible. The problem is, we can never do right in her eyes. She speaks to us all like rubbish all the time. She throws it in our face that she has stage 4 cancer every chance she gets & we literally walk on eggshells around her. 
I understand she's angry, i don't blame her. She's been dealt a *** hand but we (her family) don't know how to be around her now, always through fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. I fear my memories of her when she does go will be tainted with her angry outbursts & mean words & thats not what i want.

I feel selfish for even thinking this way about her because i know how awful it is what she is going through but i did not expect her to turn on her family like she has. We let her speak to us that way because she has cancer & she knows it, its probably why she continues to do it. 
I know she is scared but what can we do to support her without getting it wrong?! 

  • Hello Carebear1

    I'm sorry to hear about your sister's diagnosis and how you're all struggling at the moment. It's obviously a difficult time for you all and it's understandable that no one wants to upset your sister. 

    I know from posts that I've read here on the forum that some people's behaviour changes after a cancer diagnosis, particularly if they've been given an incurable diagnosis. This can sometimes be as a result of the treatment or the disease itself. Sometimes it's simply a way for the individual to cope albeit not a healthy way to manage their feelings. 

    Has anyone in the family spoken with your sister at any point about her behaviour and the way she speaks to you all? I don't know if it's feasible for you to sit together as a family and have a frank and honest conversation about the whole situation? It may be that your sister might find it helpful to have some counselling support from outside the family to help her. If this is something she would be open to then there are lots of organisations such as Maggie's who can help with this. Equally that support is also open to you and your family as her carers so if you feel there may be others in the family who might find it helpful do get in touch with them. 

    Hopefully some of our other members who have experience with this particular issue will reply to share their advice with you soon. 

    In the meantime, if you wanted to chat things through with one of our team of nurses you're welcome to call them. I'm sure they will be happy to listen and offer any support and advice that they can. they're available Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm on 0808 800 4040. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

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    Hello Varebear1, this is a regular topic that pops up from time to time and it's difficult to deal with.  Firstly, it's not your fault that she has incurable cancer, it's a tough hand to be dealt but it's no one else fault.  As you say she is getting away with it, so like a naughty child she pushes the boundaries to see how much you all love her before you lose your temper, then she can say, see I knew you didn't love me.  But it's not the way to deal with it.  My husband had incurable cancer and was pretty mean to me on many occasions and I tolerated it until the penny dropped that the more I took it the more he dished it out!  So one day I turned on him and told him it was not my fault he was ill, I still had to cope with everything else and still have a life, he apologised and the next time he began the nastiness again I left the room, he got the message.  So firstly be honest with her and when it starts again, leave the room, or ignore her and talk to someone else.  It is attention seeking but you should not have to tiptoe around her.  Take care, Carol x 

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