Advice on a close relative with cancer

I learned today that five years ago, shortly after my father died suddenly from a stage 4 glioblastoma brain tumour, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She chose not to tell any of us and underwent an operation, telling my brother and I it was a routine gynaecological op. A cancerous tumour was removed, as were neighbouring lymph nodes. 

I only know about it because I took a phone message when I was at her house, saying her thoracic surgeon would be calling this morning to discuss her yearly CT scan. My mother then told me about the cancer five years ago, reluctantly, saying it was her business and she would deal with it. The discussion with the surgeon revealed changes that may signify the cancer has returned. 

My mother and I have always been incredibly close and I'm struggling to understand why she didn't tell me and didn't let me help and support her through what must have been a dreadful time, and why she is still reluctant now to let me help. She is 82 and on her own and she needs all the help she can get. 

If anyone can give me any insight I would be really grateful. 

Thank you

 

  • Hi SuffolkHare2022,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. This must have been an incredibly difficult thing to find out, and I can completely understand it must have brought up a lot of questions and concerns for you.

    It's hard to know why she chose to do it this way, but it could perhaps have been her effort to protect loved ones around her. Sometmes people choose to keep things to themselves for fear of hurting others, but actually this can make things worse and I understand it can potentially be quite hurtful.

    It is good to know that you are now aware of the situation, and hopefully this will now mean you have the opportunities to speak to her about it, and to gauge what is an appropriate level of support.

    I hope you're able to find the understanding and to move forward with this.

    Hopefully you'll receive further replies here soon from any others with advice or thoughts.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Hi SuffolkHare2022.  This must have been a terrible shock for you and I can absolutely relate to it.  My mother hid it from me and my sisters for ten years that she had cancer and we only found out when she became so ill  that she could no longer hide it from us.  By then she had only a few weeks left to live.  I must admit that I felt very angry with her and I kept asking her WHY she had kept it to herself.  She told me it was no-one else's business. Over the years I have realised that she did it in the belief that she was protecting me and my sisters, and pehaps your Mother kept her illness from you for the same reason.  Please don't think that your Mother kept this to herself because she didn't feel close enough to you to tell you..........on the contrary, I think that the fact she did not want to worry you shows how deeply she loves you.........which I now understand about my own Mother.