Hi I am a 50 year old woman who is caring for my ex partner.

We broke up  2 years ago - fairly amicably as far as they things go.  We are just very different people and it didn't work out in a relationship.   We had very occassional arguments (I found him a bit controlling).

Long story short his own situation housing-wise was extremelly precarious,  so I've agreed to him living in my home which is warm, comfortable and has everything he needs.   He's got 'downstairs', whilst I use 'upstairs mostly 

Whilst  I consider us very lucky in the support we are having (carers come in 4x per day - and I really only offer care before I go to work and when I come back).  He's also got the support from a really good local hospice.

His cancer is in kidney, spine, hip joint,  spots in lungs. Palliative care is what is being offered.

He is struggling with nausea, weightloss, dry mouth,  everything tastes horrid,  though thankfully his pain (terrible in the early days) is now managed.  He is (understandably) very low mood,  especially about his loss of mobility due to the hip cancer. (He used to cycle daily).

He's just finished his first batch of chemo  - which hasn't worked and they're trying a different route.

I have 'done the right thing' I guess.   But still I am struggling with feelings of being really a) confused b) a bit angry that no one else in his family has 'stepped up' -  both his daughter and sister have their own houses and his sister is retired c) trapped.   d)  I worry about going out and bringing back covid or some other nasty bug.  But I am equally sick of being stuck at home.   e) Money is an issue - I have to work full time to pay the bills - I've had a carers assessment. Not eligible for any benefit, though my ex partner does. 

I have confusion and mixed feelings about  the future -  for how long will I be in this position.  Then guilty at almost 'wishing the situation away'  (not wishing him away,).  My life feels 'on pause'.

This situation, it really, really sucks.