You need to take time for yourself as well.  I did that all the way through the five years and my daily blog on this site shows what can be achieved.  You are a couple and it should jot be all about one person even if they are unwell.  Make time for you and meet friends, go shopping, have coffee and sit and take time for you.  Best wishes for you both. Carol 

Thank you. 

I did start writing when he was first diagnosed but I stopped. Maybe I should go back to it. 

Hello. Just read the whole of your post and I can empathise with you 100%. My husband is very ill too, he has stage 4 neck cancer which he's having difficulty coping with in many ways and I'm going through similar symptoms as you. I also have osteoporosis and can hardly walk, every step is very painful. We've been married almost 44 years, we married very young.  I'm terrified of losing him. Anxiety, depression, fear, anger, guilt, sadness, sympathy and endless tears are all part of my life too. My husband has lost a lot of weight, he weighs just over 7 1/2 stone and I only weigh a little more. I'm unable to cook because of my disability, so it's my fault that he's lost weight. He did all the cooking before he was diagnosed, basically he cared for me. My intentions aren't to hijack your thread, I just thought it might help to know you're not alone.

As with me, I'm sure you're aware that all the tears in the world won't change the situation and neither will our negative feelings, but we can't help the way we are. We wouldn't be human if we were unaffected by what our husbands are going through every day. I'm taking one day at a time and being thankful at every day that passes, each one is one day nearer to the end of our husbands and our nightmare. x

Thank you for your reply. It does help to know I'm not alone, though it won't stop me feeling this way. I think it's totally natural to feel these things, and need to be able to talk about them without being judged. So many people assume that a cancer diagnosis means you just "put up" with all the ***, and get on with it. It's not that easy. 

My sister lost her husband to pancreatic cancer nearly 3 years ago. I feel like shes the only person around me right now who actually knows how I feel. Everyone else keeps telling me to "be strong for him" you have to "do this and that" for him. I'm trying to, but its not easy when he's hurling vocal abuse at me for trying to look after him.

Hi again, it seems that this is a common occurrence from the one dealing with cancer, even my lovely husband did it and its very upsetting.  So I would tell him stop it or I'll walk away, if he didn't then I'd leave that room until he calmed down.  There was not a lot of apologising so it's up to the carer to lay the ground rules.  Don't stand for it, walk away, it's very difficult to keep hurling abuse when no one is there to hear it!  I know how hard it is, people telling you to stay strong isn't helpful.  Carol x

I will tell him, I can't have him doing that to me. 

Just found out that he DOES have an infection, and if they hadn't taken the antibiotics off him Friday, he would have been better by now. I am furious, and I want to scream at the doctors. 

This could be why he is being nasty, it can cause problems which is what I found.  Mine could go from sweetness and light to really nasty and nine times out of ten he was then diagnosed  with an infection.  The doctors do not get it right all the time, it's extremely hard when you're keft to deal with it all and then find that it could have been done sooner.  I'm afraid cancer is not an easy road for either of you.  Xx

Yeah that's exactly what he's been like. 

Just had some messages from him saying he's been sick again and he's scared and wants me there. Begging me to call the nurse to ask if I can go in.

She's told me to call in the morning to speak to a sister, and at the least have his doctor call me directly to explain what's going on, so I can relay it back to him in a way that doesn't confuse or scare him. He's always had phobias of medical things, especially needles, and gets really anxious and frightened. 

You're doing really well and don't doubt yourself, it's not you he is attacking its life in general, they always hurt the one that understands them the best.  I'm always on this forum, it may not be straight away but I'll help if I can.  Xx