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Is it wrong for me to think death would be best for my dad?

Adaline_Ishilly
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My dad has terminal cancer and over the past few weeks he's gotten worse and worse to the point where it seems like he could pass away any day now. I love him to pieces, I'm a daddy's girl through and through but sometimes, especially on days like today when it's been awful with him being agitated, restless, refusing to eat, I sometimes think that it would be so much easier if he were to pass on.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking that, wishing death on my dad, who I love with every fiber of my being. Yet seeing him so sick, unable to care for himself or even recognise his loved ones, is heart-breaking. I don't want him to suffer anymore but I also don't want him to leave.

Is it normal or even ok to think these things? I feel like I'm a terrible daughter for thinking such a horrible thought.

Edit 5/1/22: Thank you all for your kind words and giving me the reassurance I needed. Dad passed away this morning in his sleep with mum at his side and is no longer in pain, though I'm grieving for losing one of the best men in the world I'm relieved to know he's now at peace.

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    I think it's very normal. I remember when my gran died, not of cancer, but she was ill one winter and I was praying she'd recover, which she did, but slowly and then while recovering, she became ill again around late April. At that point, I started thinking that for me, I wanted her to recover, but for her, I wasn't sure. I didn't want her to die but nor did I want her to recover and spend weeks or months gradually getting better, only to end up in hospital again a couple of months later, each time going a little downhill and the time between illnesses getting less.

    You don't want your dad to suffer. That's normal and caring. Of course, ideally, you would want him to get completely better and of course, you still want him in your life, but you are thinking about him as well as yourself and what he would want. 

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    I think it's very normal. I remember when my gran died, not of cancer, but she was ill one winter and I was praying she'd recover, which she did, but slowly and then while recovering, she became ill again around late April. At that point, I started thinking that for me, I wanted her to recover, but for her, I wasn't sure. I didn't want her to die but nor did I want her to recover and spend weeks or months gradually getting better, only to end up in hospital again a couple of months later, each time going a little downhill and the time between illnesses getting less.

    You don't want your dad to suffer. That's normal and caring. Of course, ideally, you would want him to get completely better and of course, you still want him in your life, but you are thinking about him as well as yourself and what he would want. 

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