What to do - partner is unaware of his mum's low chances of survival from brain surgery. His mum doesn't want him to know or worry but I feel so guilty

Hello,

My partner of four years’ mum has brain cancer, diagnosed about 6 years ago. In the years that me and my partner have been together she has had MANY strokes, she recently had an MRI and has been having discussions about surgery.

These discussions have developed into a meeting with a potential surgeon and doctor in Bristol to talk further about this. 

A few days ago my partner, his mum and myself were in the car and my partner got out to put petrol in the car, his mum asked me how he was doing, I said that he was okay, a little down about the news but ok, she then told me that if this surgery were to go ahead she would have a 25% chance of survival, and that she had not told my partner nor his sister about this, and has avoided telling him any details about the surgery as she does not want to worry him. I did not know what to say or how to handle that information, and before I could think to say anything meaningful my partner returned back in the car. 

I don’t know what to do, I feel overwhelmed with the information and I feel guilty for not telling my partner but also feel guilty to tell him behind his mother’s back. How do I go about this? Or should I simple not do anything? 

  • Hellocats and thanks for your post,

    I can understand that this is a very difficult situation that you have been put in.

    I do think however that you have got to respect your partner's mum if she has asked you not to tell your partner.

    You have also said that there are further meetings which makes me think that the doctors have not decided yet whether surgery is or isn't a possibility. Her team need to assess the risks versus the benefits in offering her surgery. I would wait and see what happens over the next few weeks.

    It may be that as time goes on your partners mum will share more with her son.

    It is important that you respect any decision that your partner's mum makes. She may find it hard and painful to share the risks of her surgery with her son particularly as he is feeling quite down at the moment.

    I do hope this helps. You are welcome to ring and talk this through with the helpline nurses.

    The number to call is Freephone 0808 800 4040 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm.

    All the best,

    Catherine