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Mum has stage 4 cancer- Should I go back to uni?

alexander22
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Hello. I'm 19 years old and about to go into my second year of uni. My mum has just been diagnosed with stage four liver/bowel cancer and I'm not sure if I should go back to uni this year. My uni is only an hour and a half away from home, but Im worried that if I go back I won't be spending valuable time with my mum correctly. My parents have put emphasis on how important it is to keep studying, but I just don't think im going to be able to focus as well I know I can. I'm so scared about the idea of wasting time away from my mum. I have already signed my tenancy for next years accommodation, and paid my first months rent. It's going to be a big financial burden if I don't go, but im not sure if that matters in the grand scheme of things. Im just not sure what to do.

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    Be guided by what your mum wants. It's the way to make her happiest. As you say you will only be an hour and a half away, so can potentially do lots of weekend visits. You might have to take some time out later in the year or apply for exemptions if you find that your home situation is impacting on your work. Make sure you flag this up to your Uni at the start of the new year and take whatever support your Uni is able to offer in terms of course adjustments etc.

    If you do find studying impossible you might have to take time out, but hopefully that won't be the case.

    If your mum had expressed a wish for you to be home, my opinion might be different.

    Sorry you are having to deal with this. Try to focus on making your mum as happy as possible, which means trying to calm your mind and crack on with the studying. This may actually be less pressure on her as she may feel fatigued with illness and not always want to have to try and be at her best for you. Fortnightly or monthly visits might be easier. Be guided by her energy levels and wishes.

    Uni terms are actually quite short. And there should be psychological and other support available to you, plus some allowance in terms of making extra visits home if needed. 

    Others on here might offer a different opinion. I actually had to repeat a year at Uni because of illness (mine rather than someone else's). So, if it is impossible for you to continue you will have to take time out. But, actually having something to distract you, may shield you a little. And I suspect that is also something your mother wants. She both wants to know she isn't holding you back, protect your from seeing her ill, and see you flourish at Uni. I think she will take great pleasure from that.

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    Hi I'm so sorry you are going through this. I recommend you contact your uni and tell them about your situation. Maybe they might be able to give you options like doing the lectures online. My uni let me do this as I'm having symptoms and I told them I wanted to be able to have flexibility with going to appointments so felt like going to uni on top of that was too overwhelming for me. However I don't know if that would be possible for you, as I was living at home anyway and travelling to uni but I still think you should tell them and hopefully they support you. 

    Best wishes for you and your mum.

  • Hi Alexander22,

    Thanks so much for getting in touch, I'm so sorry to hear about what is happening with your mum.

    Decisions like this can feel really overwhelming and it can be impossible to know what to do for the best.  Often when we receive news like this we can feel we have to make decisions very quickly.  Do you have a summer break where you can take time to think about what you would like to do?  

    Perhaps you could talk to your uni (maybe your personal tutor?) and explain the situation you are in.  They may have experience of supporting students who have had challenging situations in the past.  They will also have student support services where you could talk to someone if you wanted to, about everything that is happening.  Sometimes this can be helpful when you are trying to decide what is the best thing to do.

    There is some information here about emotions you may be feeling at the moment and ways to get support.

    If you want to talk things through with one of the nurses on our helpline, please do call us. Our number is Freephone 0808 800 4040 and the lines are open from 9am till 5pm Monday to Friday.

    Best wishes, 

    Rachel

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