i am the partner of a youngish woman dying of cancer due to nhs negligence (admitted). she could have been competely cured if they had listened to her pain earlier. anyway after two years of dealing with the anger and fear and upset, and trying to stay close and just love one another, going through 2 big surgeries that failed to be curative, and chemo that made her toxic, 2 ERCPs and stentings, she decided enough was enough. i felt relieved i must admit, i felt she had suffered enough and i could see this rare biliary cancer was going to kill her. i arranged a hospice place for her and it is very good. my problem is that she wont talk to me anymore. she chose to go into the hospice initially for symptom control and then got even iller and now is dying. she's always been very lucid and communicative with me, but now she speaks to me hardly at all. she doesnt seem happy to see me, though is cheery with the nurses and staff. i feel neglected and left out and i dont know what i've done wrong. she has shouted at me, told me today 'you never listen' (with such weariness in her voice) where i DO listen all the time and i always have (20 year relationship). she snapped at me to stop crying recently and i left the room to calm down. i feel ignored, like she is irritated by me, dislikes me, doesnt want to speak to me, is in some weird way torturing me. and i dont know why. i have looked after her full time for 2 years, spent every minute with her and done everything i can for her, but now i am an irritation like a fly on the wall. she doesnt text or phone me anymore or ever seem happy to see me when i go and take her things every day, wash her nighties, find her nice things to look at or do. the iller she gets the more vile she gets towards me, and i am so close to losing it with her, but i'm scared i'll regret this terribly if she dies and feel so full of guilt for not understanding. so please someoen help me understand why now she hates me so much? is she jealous of my being alive? i fear i've been living a lie for 20 years with someone who actually didnt love me at all and just used me. i know this sounds selfish and all 'me me me' but i've done my share of caring and thinking of it all from her side, i need help myself now. i feel tricked and betrayed and unloved and unwanted. and i didnt expect this, she didnt say it would be like this, she wanted to 'stay close' and so we always were before she went into the hospice. i've given my life to her for 2 years looking after her and putting my own health second but to be honest, i feel like killing myself as i cant stand the thought that i have been tricked and am not wanted and was used. how can i ever trust anyone again? they dont tell you that cancer can destroy your love do they ? oh god someone please tell me this has happened to you and i am not alone....or not. either way i want the truth so i can leave before i am hated even more. thank you. honesty please.
