Hi Everyone.

I hope this is the right place to post,  I'm new here. I'm a 43 years old, single woman. Over the summer I got a HPV positive smear result with 'borderline changes'. I went for a copolscopy (which for me went fine, kind doc and no pain). There was a big line of white leukoplakia on my cervix (before applying any solutions), but said it was nothing to worry about, my next smear should be in 3 years. I asked what caused the leukoplakia and the doctor said 'it's probably just your age', which didn't feel like a proper answer. I went home feeling very relieved though. Later I read that a study found that 7-10% of visible-before-solution leukoplakias on the cervix are hiding CIN cells. Should I be worried? I couldn't find anything about 'age related leukoplakia' online, although I read HPV can cause leukoplakia but they might not necessarily be cancers or precancers. I do want to trust the experts in the NHS.

A couple of months later, I noticed a small flat pale-white lesion/plaque (1cm across) on the inside and bottom of my inner labia, almost where it meets the posterior fourchette. No other symptoms like itchiness or pain. I got referred to a vulval skin specialist who, 9 days ago, took a punch biopsy. I'm obviously very anxious waiting for the results. The anaesthetic needle into my inner labia was painful (I crushed the lovely young nurse's hand!), but luckily I didn't feel the biopsy being taken.  Now however,  I am still very sore underneath. It hurts to sit in some positions, I haven't been able to return to the gym, and touching the area even gently hurts. The leaflet I was given said healing takes 4-7 days but I haven't felt any improvement in the pain. The light bleeding stopped on day 2. It doesn't look pus infected or anything, just a big hole that's still raw. Does anyone have advice to speed up healing? I dont smoke, eat healthily and am usually fit and well. 

I know I still don't know the result, and I know others on here have been through so much more,  but I feel very scared and alone. I have good friends but I feel ashamed to tell them because of the location of the lesion, and the possible link to HPV. I have friends with HPV but none of them have had any problems with it. I feel like I have brought this on myself because I split up with my lovely ex partner 4 years ago and have had sexual relationships since. I know its irrational because I wouldn't think that about someone else,  but it feels like a sort of punishment to me.  I know I'm jumping the gun, but if it is reoccurring VIN or worse, I also cannot see a future for any dating/sexual relationship. Or even for doing things I love like running and cycling. I wish I had a partner to give me a cuddle and tell me its OK. I also feel like even if it's not anything bad (and I will rejoice if this is the case), who would want to sleep with someone with a possible cancer-causing, highly transmissible virus? I wish I hadn't been told about it. I'm trying to stay positive because life is mostly good, but sometimes I feel nauseous from anxiety and fear. And again, please excuse me if this is insensitive as I know others are going through much worse on here. 

Thanks for reading xx