I thought it might be quite cathartic to try to write down the things that have been happening to me over the last while.

I initially went to the GP pre-covid to discuss what I think was a hemmaroid. I had some mucus in stool and occasional pale and dark poo, I have to say my diet at the time was terrible. used the cream the symptoms stopped and all that was left was what feels like a break in my sphincter and a soft area of skin above it. a year passes and it's still there not causing me any issues, but it was still there so back to the doctors I went, as it had me spooked I did a home bought online FIT test. which came back positive. initial GP said nothing to worry about, snr. GP referred me for a colonoscopy. 

Went for the colonoscopy 2 sessile polyps removed. jobs a good un. started to get strange Brain fog and localised headaches really weird. I had been under some stress with work so myself and my better half went away for our anniversary, we used the spa and I used the pool massager on my head and the brain fog left, still got the headaches usually after jogging. went back to the GP and they suggested I have health anxiety. I’m certainly anxious. 

Then away with work I found a lump on my right teste, back to the GP, sent for ultrasound, cyst on the right nothing on the left. I’d also been experiencing some pain on my left flank so asked the sonographer to check kidneys which he kindly did and bladder... nothing. 

by this point I’d also had a full examination by a junior doctor and she said everything seems fine. and the GP had palpated my left flank also couldn't feel anything. 

Other strange symptoms, nodules under the skin in the upper left and right abdomen (could be lymph nodes?) same on my left and right sides above my pelvis, although I can find nowhere that says lymph nodes would be in this location only in the head, armpit, groin and leg knees. The lymph node thing has had me stressed out for a while. GP says could be anything lipoma etc. 

My anxiety has me now at a point where I hadn't slept a full night since mid-august and have now been proscribed low dose anti-depressants and tranquiliser, which has let me sleep better although the anxiety doesn't really go away.

that leads me here, on Friday I have self-paid for an abdominal ultrasound and am for sure I have pancreatic cancer, from the dull pain in my back to the weird pale poo I was doing, to also finding some remnants of food in my poop now. 

I'm actually not sure if this has helped but it's the first time I’ve written everything down.