Thanks for your support..it's very thoughtful of you. I hope that the blood results and scan go okay.

I was dealing with my anxiety through walking, the Headspace app etc but all that has fallen by the wayside. I have a permanent scar that looks like a C section scar now...I was literally asked recently whether I had a C section (I haven't). I just found it incredibly depressing and frustrating, that my body is now hideous and ruined. I know that I need to focus solely on my recovery from the surgery and hoping that the biopsy results are clear but it just made me think 'will this nightmare never end?' I wanted to do a competition and I can't because my follow up appointment is on one of the days. I didn't bother even trying to reschedule the appointment because my consultant is really busy and there may not be any other availability. My health issues keep interfering with being able to live my life. And I know it could be worse so then I end up feeling guilty. I recovered from my operation to remove the cyst well from a physical perspective but it's taken a massive toll on my mental health and I'm not getting any support for that. 

Sorry for ranting, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself right now! I'm going to be more positive (or at least try to be!) going forward and focus on things that are going well as opposed to trickier things 

Hi Sugarsnap3,

I COMPLETELY understand how you are feeling! i had my large dermoid removed on the 6th of September and it was 6 weeks before i got the biopsy results. I flinched everytime the post arrived and would hold my breath everyday until it had. I was told no news was good news so I spent the entire 6 weeks completely on edge. 

I think what you are experiencing is totally normal. Even now that i have my results back and they all look good i haven't experienced the euphoria i anticipated because i still feel so tramuatised and emotional about the whole situation. Yes i'm obviously incredibly relieved, but my mental health it seems will take longer to recover than the physical wounds. I still have nightmares and flashbacks to sitting in the Gynae waiting room surrounded by happy couples there for baby ultrasounds, while i was there for my MRI result that could quite possibly tell me i had cancer. I'm 32 and was there with my partner. Everyone assumed we were there for an ultrasound too and i just kept thinking that YES i should be and how messed up the whole situation was. 

I hope you now have your results back and that you've got the relief you so need, but if you are still waiting i completely understand the tourture that it is to be in limbo. Everyone kept saying to me "it will be fine" "stop worrying" "the chances of cancer are so small" my partner is a Doctor and he would sometimes get frustrated that i could be more positive about the situation, but when that tiny percentage of a chance that it might be cancer applies to you it's much easier said than done. I found the whole experience to be very isolating because while the people who love you do their best, nobody can understand the sheer terror you are feeling. All i can advise is just try to be present in the moment and do something you enjoy each day and as cliche as it sounds just take it a day at a time until those results arrive.

As for your scar, i don't know how low yours is, but mine isn't that visible as it's just on my bikini line. I can't say i love the way my body now looks but i'm trying to 'own it!' Try to think of your scar as a mark of your strength and resilience, something to be proud of!

I hope this helps even if in just a small way

xx

Oh thanks for your support..it's so helpful.

I was single when I had the operation..I have started dating someone and I still feel a bit body conscious because I can't exercise yet. I've treated myself to new clothes but still feel a bit down about it. My scar is on my bikini line- it's not that obvious, it's faded a lot.

The thing is, I feel like I am both positive and terrified, all at the same time. The experience has made me want to take risks, try new things in life..almost as a way to deal with the anxiety. Even though I'm venting here, I do feel like I've become a braver person as a result of this whole ordeal. 

I've been told that no news is good news which is so aggravating to hear but it's true. I feel kind of traumatised, mainly because of the effect on my body tbh! And then when I did start dating, I had a date with someone who worked in obstetrics so it really felt like I was being retraumatised, like I was getting these constant reminders of my health issues. 

One of my family members told me that I was lucky to recover from the operation, someone else said I was strong to recover so quickly...! I don't think people realise how insensitive those kinds of comments are because I was put in a situation where it was literally about survival, about being strong but then when it's over, you feel mentally drained. I'm starting to be able to relax again..not fully but baby steps. I have my biopsy results back in the 5th of November which is really soon so hopefully, everything will be clear then!

You've just described exactly how i felt and still feel. I was terrified to think postively incase i jinxed the outcome but was excited by the realisation that the whole experience changed my perspective on life. There are loads of things i wanted to try before that i was too afraid to but now will, and so many things i worried about that now suddenly don't seem so important. It really has been quite liberating and i've realised i am much stronger than i ever imagined which is why i am trying to embrace my scar as a postive reminder of that.

Since my teens i have suffered with body image, i've struggled with disorderd eating and would kick myself whenever i gained a few pounds. When my cyst was found and I was facing the very real possibility of cancer (They didn’t recognise it as a dermoid for 6 weeks) I was suddenly so mad at myself that all these years I’d take my body for granted, only thinking about how it looked and not being grateful for the fact it was healthy. I promised myself that if i got the all clear i would worry less about how i looked going forward and while i am trying, it is easier said than done, so i know how you feel. Just be kind to yourself. Your boday and your mind have been through a lot. In a few weeks you will be able to start excercising again and feel more like you, but until then, if there was ever a good excuse to not be looking your best this is it! haha. 

Also understand how you feel about the tramua triggers. in the first weeks after my surgery i couldn't stand to see my boyfriend in his scrubs or watch anything remotely medical on the TV. It's almost like having PTSD, although i never expected i could be triggered by the sight of a melon! hahaha, that's the size my dermoid was constantly compared to and I'm just looking forward to the day i can walk through the fruit aisle in the supermarket and not feel a pang of anxiety lol. one day haha.