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Just not coping

Everdreamer
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So I'm feeling highly anxious & emotional right now. I have suffered with health anxiety for most of my life, having lost my dad to leukemia when I was 3. I've spent my whole life terrified that I'd die young & leave my own children behind if I had any.

 

I'm 31 & I have a beautiful DD, 19 months. I've struggled with my cycles for many years & IBS being put down to anxiety.

 

I had DD in Feb 20 & went back on the depot. I had her by C-section & since having her, sex became painful. I had no periods when on the depot, stopped it in Sept 20 & from early this year bled constantly. Drs put it down to the injection & that was that.

 

Sex still painful & a few weeks ago I started to feel nauseous & light headed. Spoke with GP over the phone who said it was probably an infection but I'd need to be examined so she got me in on 10/9. She examined me & sat me down afterwards saying that she wasn't happy with my cervix as it looked very red & inflamed. I had a negative smear in July so she wasn't overly concerned about cancer but mentioned that it was a possibility. I was to have 2 swabs done to check for infection.

 

I went on holiday the next day & came home during my holiday one day to do the swabs before going back. Whilst away, & on my birthday, they came back negative & I was put on a 2 week referral to Gynae.

 

I was in bits & so scared. For the last few weeks I have also developed pains under my right rib & what seems to be indigestion. I can't stop crying & worrying & I don't know what symptoms are now real & what are made up by my brain. Every time I look at my DD, I want to cry.

 

I've convinced myself it's ovarian & that it's spread to my cervix. I went for a transvaginal ultrasound today but the sonographer didn't mention if they'd seen anything. They just said I have to wait to hear from my gp at the end of this week/beginning of next. I have my referral with the consultant this Saturday for a Colposcopy & I'm terrified.

 

I feel that they are going to find something & it's going to be bad news. I've not felt right in a while & now I'm worried pregnancy & the depo have masked it all.

 

My anxiety has gone haywire. I've been off meds since my pregnancy in 2019 when I had my last flare up & I don't know what to do. I feel that I can't be a good mum to my child atm cos when I look at her, it breaks my heart.

 

My OH & parents keep telling me not to worry & that it's going to be nothing but that just makes me annoyed as they don't know that for certain & I don't want to have my fears made out to be trivial.

 

I don't know what I want from this post. Just to get stuff off my chest I guess & some support. Everyone I've ever known who's had cancer, including a 30 yr old friend of mine, has lost their lives because of it. Ovarian is so deadly & I'm terrified.

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    Hi I've read your post and it really touched me. I know what it feels like when you look at the kids when your extremely worried about receiving bad news it does make you think about what would happen. Im

    sure you are a brilliant mum so please don't think any different for you to cry when you look at your daughter means you care and are worried which confirms your a great mum. Im suffer with mental health and have been on medication for years I also have 4 children and most days im racked with guilt for being the way I am mentally. But being a mum you just push through it don't you. Im waiting for a diagnosis for womb cancer so mentally im all over the place. If you ever need to talk or get something or feelings off your chest you go for It. Im

    sure all of us on here will help you in anyway we can all the best and take care. 

  • Offline in reply to Frankiem20

    Thank you. Reading your reply has me in tears again. My earliest memories are of my dad being unwell on chemo & passing. I grew up not knowing who he was & I hate the thought of that being my little girl.

    I have so many symptoms which could be OC & I'm so scared. 3 weeks ago cancer didn't even cross my mind. The thought of the colposcopy makes me feel sick. I wish the sonographer would have said something about the scan but there was nothing. Just thanks bye & wait to hear from your gp.

  • Offline in reply to Everdreamer

    Yes I feel your frustration I had a internal scan done the sonographer said everything looks

    great amd then 2 days later got a phone call from my doctor to say we need to refer you to a gynaecologist so it's just thrown me completely I know something isn't right down there and I'm just dreading knowing exactly what's going on. My Nan my mum and 2 grandads have all recently been diagnosed or passed away from cancer and the fact it could be anyone these days diagnosed even from such a young age is just so so scary especially when you have kids. When do you get any results? 

     

  • Offline in reply to Frankiem20

    I should hear back about the ultrasound at the end of this week/beginning of next week.

    I see the consultant gynecologist on Saturday for the Colposcopy so won't know if he's going to take a biopsy until then. I am hoping that he's patient & I can explain all of my symptoms to him & get some explanations.

    I'm sorry that you're going through this too. Have you seen the consultant yet?

  • Offline in reply to Everdreamer

     No not yet just waiting for the referral you know when you just know somethings not right and I'm expecting the worst. Especially with family history, I wish you all the luck in the world amd I have my fingers crossed for you that's it's good news please keep me updated. 

  • Offline in reply to Everdreamer

    Hi, I read your post and can relate.  I went to my doctors and had swabs etc done due to constant bleeding which I had always put down to extreme stress.  She didn't say anything but she was referring me to hospital all fine I thought.  2 days later I had a call to go for a Colposcopy 2 days later so it all happened so fast I was in shock.  They took biospys and put a coil in.  We thought this was good news as we have history in the family and didn't think they would fit a coil if it wasn't good news.  Was told I would get results through the post again good news I thought surely anything urgent they would call.  I got my results through the post and said I have to go in for a loop procedure done under a local and my appointment was for the next month.  Well that was last Thursday and I went through to have it done.  Doctor said she couldn't do it as area was to big.  She then said she was taking more biopsy's and told me to get dressed and go back into consultation room.  When I went in she said she wasn't happy with what she had seen and asked for permission to give me my results over the phone.  She said she felt I could handle it.  I asked outright if she thought it was CC and she said it was possible.  I'm the type of person who needs to know what's going on or I feel out of control.  I have 2 kids, one with additional needs and presents with challenges constantly.  My heart breaks when I think about not being here for them.  I'm now off work which I'm never off cause my head is all over the place and I can't focus on anything.  She said results would be here in 7 to 10 days and we're on day 5 now.  Best case scenario I need to go for an operation under general to have cin3 removed but even that terrifies me as I'm on my own with the kids.  Same as urs everyone is saying be positive it will be fine but as someone who suffers from anxiety and with the family history I just can't.  I'm putting on a brave face for my kids and hoping for the best but trying to prepare myself incase it doesn't go to plan.  To put ur mind at rest the colposcopy was fine uncomfortable but manageable the nurses and doctors are great and really try their best to put you at ease.  I would take a pad with you though as hospital ones aren't comfy.  Then chill for a few days if u can I had some cramps but was told this was the coil.  I hope you get some news soon xx

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