this is embarrassing ( -_- ) please can somebody offer some kind words or sage advice pls 

so, two days ago i noticed a lump in my groin under my left buttcheek. i thought it was a bugbite at first (has the same kind of feeling, slightly swollen and vaguely tender. like a blind spot)
on closer inspection, the lump is hard, internal (doesnt have a head like a regular spot) and weirdly numb (not completely numb, if i poke it its tender, but the feeling is not in the lump itself rather around it)
i have been observing it and i dont think it is getting bigger but i am very paranoid that it is trying to and i feel like i dont have the mental energy to fight it.

i should state right now that i have a horrible anxiety disorder and other mental illnesses.
this is something i truly thought i had gotten under control; but leading up to and throughout lent of this year i have been hearing voices telling me i am going to die and feeling a CONSTANT dread of death (this is before the lump appeared).
i gave up drinking and smoking (two of the few things i enjoy) completely for the whole 40 days and spent the whole time pleading with God, and afterwards i did feel relief... but now (with the lump appearing) the terror has come back with a vengeance

im too embarrassed and ashamed to go to the doctor, if there are even any open rn, and i know that if it is cancer i have had it on and off for atleast 5 years and i have beaten it back twice with prayer and willpower.
the fact that i have smoked like a chimney since i was 15 (i am 22 now) and have lived a horribly *** up and unhealthy life since then doesnt help; also that time i sucked the chemicals out of a phone when i was about 8 years old....
i really pray it is nothing and goes away but.... ***... i really thought i was starting to get my life back on track :-(

so, if it is cancer, it is also in my throat and has spread to my lymph nodes (in my leg not my neck)...
i have a few small lumps in the back of my throat and they are starting to spread up my tongue (oh god...) though these lumps seem to be benign right now (no blood, they are all pink like the flesh of my mouth not red black or white, and their spread is slow) but they worry me deeply.
ive had a weird feeling in my left leg for a long time as well. it comes and goes, and ive been convinced its cancer for years.
there was a time when i could distinctly feel my swollen lymph nodes in my inner thigh (before i knew how serious swollen lymph nodes are) and i obsessively checked it all the time until an angel told me to cure it i had to stop touching it and worrying about it all the time (and the swelling WAS cured) but the feeling of 'something isnt right' never went away. the feeling has gotten better or worse a few times (without the enlarged lymph nodes) and ive always been able to beat it back through obsessive fasting and following the bizarre advice i am given my mystical forces; but now im being told i need to eat daffodils to kill the cancer (which, thankfully, i am sane enough to know not to try without proper guidance ((theyve all died back now anyway so id have to wait till next spring anyway))) 
i think this all goes back to the time i sucked the chemicals out of that phone, and also the time i tipped my parents ashtray down my pants as a child (i had completely blocked both of these memories until earlier this year when it all came flooding back along with demons constantly telling me that i am cursed and that either me, my dad, or my dog need to die as a sacrifice in order to break the curse)

im so *** scared its trying to spread into my left testicle, and i really think i WILL kill myself if that happens. its like i can feel it right now trying to invade the rest of my body and kill me. i spent so long wanting to die. ive finally overcome that and now i have a constant dread that im going to die

thankfully, i am NOT losing weight, and apart from the weird transient shame-fever™ ive gotten all my life i DONT have any fever () this is still driving me insane though.

i dont know what to do. ive finally managed to get a job after so long and i dont want to let them down (or let myself down) but i just know im going to be so full of anxiety tomorrow and if it IS something serious (im still clinging to the hope that this is all my delusion) i dont know what im going to do. i dont know if i could bear chemotherapy. how could i hide it any longer if i lost my hair. i am utterly terrfied of doctors and modern medicine anyway. what am i going to do. im not having any xrays (that *** CAUSES cancer)

i wish a wise old chinese man would give me a packet of herbs which cures all my problems and i can finally start trying to live an actual life

pardon for rambling, most of this i have never told anyone and i need to get it off my chest. not sure if this is the right cateogry to post this, but i think i just need someone to talk to