Hi foxy

Firstly may I offer my condolences on the passing of your husband. From what you have described the symptoms could be a result of a number of things and I personally wouldn’t have jumped to it being cancer.  It’s only natural you will have hightened emotions when it comes to aches/pains etc given your husband’s condition and subsequent passing and this could be clouding your thinking. All investigations so far suggests cancer is not on their minds.  I know when I had gallstones I had pain where you described and my stools would become impacted at times, watery at other times. I have a friend that had the same thing but she has Endometriosis. The good thing is you are getting it investigated and I’m sure Drs will get to the bottom of it. But to be honest I’m more concerned about how you are coping emotionally and mentally. As a widow myself I know how hard it is to deal with grief and bringing up kids alone. You mention you have no one to talk to - would you consider joining a mental well-being group or something like ‘cruise’ www.cruse.org.uk/more-than-words ?

I hope things get better for you and wish you the very best x

Hi there, 

You poor thing, losing your husband like that, we are about to lose dad and it's such an awful thing to go through. From what you've said it sounds like it could be any number of things so hopefully you'll have more news on that soon but you're so anxious I agree with magpie and and it might be worth having some counselling. Joining here helps too because you can chat and get things off your chest, there are so many lovely supportive people here and I think just telling someone how you feel can really help. I hope you're ok. Best wishes. Xxxxx

Hello.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I do feel like I am loosing my mind with worry and actually broke down terribly with my mom this morning. I am 200% sure it’s cancer and I am sure I won’t have my fabulous holiday with the children in August. If I was just having aches and pains I could try and persuade myself different but the fact that I haven’t had my bowels open in 3 weeks and I can only loose watery fluid if I take sachets or laxatives. I accept what I saw my husband go through was horrrifci and I fear that and fear loosing my kids. 

I suppose I will know either way Thursday after the colonoscopy. 

X

Hi there, 

Its ok. This situation is just horrible for you and it's true that you won't know for sure what's causing your symptoms until after your colonoscopy so your worry won't stop until then. It can't because you are so so very frightened and upset. It's good that you broke down in front of your mum because crying is a release (although I imagine that you are exhausted now) and at least your mum is aware of how scared you are. You can't always put on a brave face, mums are kind of expected to but at the moment especially you need to let your feelings out. If you need to cry just let it out and if you want to write here and talk it over you can do that. If you feel like your worry is spiralling it might be worth asking your GP (out of hours or Monday morning as an emergency if need be)for a weeks worth of sleeping tablets or diazepam to relax you. It's not a problem to take these meds very very short term and they can really help you to relax a bit. But that's a very personal choice. That's only a suggestion. It's a dreadful thought your children being left alone, I understand as I have two older ones and twin girls aged 7 and the thought of it just brings a shudder to my skin so I do know what you're saying and why you're saying it. I'm sending you big hugs and the warmest wishes. Xxxxxxx

Really sorry you’re going through this and glad you were able to talk to your mum. I’ve had two colonoscopies and can assure you the prep they give you for that will clear your bowels, be prepared to spend a lot of time attached to the toilet. 

Laxitives will produce brown watery movements as it tries to break down the stools. You’ve not long now until your colonoscopy and you will be told on the day if there is anything there they are concerned about - in fact you’ll be able to see it on the screen for yourself. I have my fingers crossed that all goes well for you and you get clear results and get peace of mind x

Thank you. I do feel my sleep now is disturbed. I can get to sleep as i feel exhausted but when I wake in the night sheer terror hits me and that’s it.

I forgot to mention I have had bloods done which they say are all ok. Iron levels are ok, I’m not anaemic and they also did CA125 cancer markers which were 17, 35 being normal cut off. 

If I could just go to the toilet I might relax a little. X

I can’t explain the terror I feel. I feel like it’s really pushing me over the edge!!! I do have diazepam in the house, only 2mg, so I might take one before bed so I get a good nights sleep. I totally agree that the extreme anxiety I feel will be playing havoc with my whole body from aches and pains, constipation etc. I’m in so much pain. I can’t open my bowels, even the prep for colonoscopy didn’t work. So the doctor has given me double prep in the hope the bowel is clean. I am even considering paying for a private scan on Tuesday at £822. I haven’t got the money really but I could find it. Then I ask myself to what end? They do a scan see something and then what when I have the colonoscopy booked!!! I just feel immense anxiety/terror that I won’t see my kids grown up and they will loose their mom as well as their dad!!! 

Thank you for your support x 

Don’t need to explain the terror, we’ve all been there - more so if you’re a single parent. I personally wouldn’t pay for a scan as if the colonoscopy doesn’t work you will be sent for a ct scan anyway and for the sake of continuity of care it’s best to stick to your existing clinical lead.

Now Foxylou, you are an incredibly strong woman, you have came through one of the most traumatic events of your life and you’ve survived, not only that, you’ve made sure your kids have also survived it. It takes a very special person to accomplish what you have done. So you’ve got this!

Thank you for your supportive words. I am going to try a diazepam shortly and see if I can get my mind and body to relax a little. See if it makes a difference to pain etc.

xxo