Hello all!
First off, I just want to start by saying I hate being the one to burden all of you lovely people who have unfortunately actually been diagnosed. I haven't actually had the diagnosis yet (and I pray to God I never have one), but I'm preparing for it.
Here's my story.
I'm a 19 year old girl with horrible anxiety, I smoke, rarely drink and am otherwise active and healthy (apart from unexplained, enlarged red blood cells that I've had for a few years now.)
I think it was either late July/early August when I was in the shower and found all three of my cubital nodes were rock hard, enlarged to about 3cm (just an estimate) and very achey. They were very moveable but seemed embedded to a structure beneath them that restricted them from moving /too/ far - they still do. I'd had some throbbing/twitching on the underside of my arm for a while but don't know if those are connected (perhaps suggesting a compression somewhere?) Anyway. As soon as I felt them, I felt sick to my stomach, had to crawl out the bath to stop myself from fainting, and I couldn't stop shaking. Since that moment, I've just had a reallly BAD feeling. Like a gut instinct. Again, I pray I'm wrong.
Let me mention I'm a major hypochondriac and I've had loads of experiences with extremely bad panic attacks whenever the slightest change happened in/to my body that then turned out to be something completely normal and over exaggerated. This, however, is generally concerning me, because logically, everything indicates it's Hodgkin's. To me, anyway.
I go to A&E and I'm in tears, I can't breathe; I'm panicking badly and begging them to biopsy me that day. The nurses laugh, tell me I'm 'run down' and 'these things happen' and send me on my way. They do, however, tell me to make an appointment with my GP.
The appointment was two weeks later and I tell the doctor my concerns. The doctor tells me she's going to arrange a CBC, HIV test and a scan for me, but that she's not concerned whatsoever. She tells me to come back if they get any bigger or are still there in a MONTH. She assures me she'll call if there are any strange findings in my blood tests. I come back HIV negative and the only thing off with my bloods were the enlarged red blood cells which were apparently still in the normal range, but just high on the scale.
Thanks to my own stupidity and anxiety, I miss the scan and beg for another referral at the appointment one month on (with a different doctor.) We were sitting in his office and he asks me, "What is your biggest concern here?" and I say "That it's cancer." to which he replies "Well it is something to think about." He refers me to another scan and tells me he'll send me it through the post. I leave the office, once more in tears, a nervous wreck that my fears may all well be real. The scan date comes and my referral doesn't. I miss another appointment and the GP receptionist tells me I've missed two now, and will have to book it directly with the hospital. I try to do that and the hospital tell me I need a referral. This was late September/early October, and in this time I noticed they were shrinking with a rubbery and firm feel, and so I just stopped thinking about it after that. My friends, colleagues and family were reassuring me that I'd be feeling worst if I had cancer, that i'd /know/ and that I'm worrying necessarily. Plus, cancer doesn't shrink on its own, right? I believed them until I read some very scary stats on this website, all of which apply to me. All of which make perfect sense and once again confirm my fears.
Hodgkins generally affect young adults, particularly people near their early twenties, and shows as localised, enlarged lymph nodes.
Hodkins, especially low grade, can shrink and then enlarge the nodes again and again - all of which keeps happening to me.
They feel rubbery and firm - just like mine.
They move freely (this is the one that scared me most. I assumed the fixed ones were the ones to look out for!)
I have another doctors appointment for next Saturday, in which I'm going to explain absolutely everything and notify her that I'm now very convinced it's Hodgkin's. I feel absolutely fine within myself but did lose a large amount of weight earlier in the year, as well as suffer badly with my mental health (though I doubt that's correlated.)
Basically, I'm expecting the worst. I'm /prepared/ for the worst. My family know this.
Does anyone else have any similar experiences or words of wisdom? Any support would be greatly appreciated right now. I'm partly in bits, partly already preparing to fight.
I am SO sorry if I offend anyone, as this was definitely not my intention. I'm just very worried.
Thank you for reading.
Ronni x
