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41cm pelvic mass - hating myself

ScaredAJ
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I'm sorry. This is about to just be a massive brain dump but I just need to get it all out and don't know where else to say it. 

Had an ultrasound on Monday. Have a 41cm mass on my ovary extending up to my pancreas. Has both malignant and benign features. 

They couldn't get a clear view because of my BMI. 

I've told my family and a couple of friends and now they're all worried about me, but I can't help but feel guilty. I feel like I've brought this upon myself.

If I wasn't so fat, I would have been able to tell that I had this mass sooner, and wouldn't have just thought that it was bloating and me putting on more weight.

They would be able to do a better ultrasound and my BMI wouldn't have restricted it.

My BMI will also probably put me at more risk during surgery and cause me more issues down the line. 

I hate the idea of people worrying about me, and knowing that I brought it upon myself in some way just makes me hate myself more. 

And then to make it worse, when I'm down and depressed I eat, and I know that that is then making it even worse again. I'm an absolute mess and I just don't know what to do or how to try and stop beating myself up. 

  • Hello ScaredAJ

    I'm sorry to hear that you've had some health concerns recently that have led to an ultrasound and the finding of a mass attached to your ovary. It's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and a whole host of emotions at the moment. 

    What has the hospital said about the next steps in getting a full diagnosis for you? Have they requested further investigations or is surgery the plan? Hopefully you won't have to wait too long for your next appointment whatever the plan is and the team will be able to give you some answers and reassurance. 

    It sounds from your posts as if you're struggling with your mental health at the moment. I'd really encourage you to make an appointment to talk with your GP about how you're feeling and get some support with managing this. You might find it helpful as a starting point to look at the information on the NHS website about managing anxiety as well as the Every Mind Matters website. 

    You might also want to consider giving our team of nurses a call to talk things through with them. I know they will be happy to listen and offer any advice, information and support they can. They're available Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm on 0808 800 4040. 

    It sounds from your post as if you have good support from family and friends. It's natural that you won't want to worry them but I'm sure they will want to be there to support you as best they can. 

    Keep in touch and let us know how you get on. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

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