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Waiting on breast biopsy results - heads a mess

Rambleon88
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Hello everyone.

Ive never really posted on anything like this before but I just feel so lost and scared right now I thought Id see if there is anyone else out there feeling the same. 
Im 36, beautiful son and hubby. Couple of weeks ago was doing my fake tan, noticed just the slightest of dips in my left breast (bottom outer corner). I was due on my cycle so left it a few days encase it was something related and when it didnt go I made an appointment with my GP. They couldn't feel anything but made a referral to the breast clinic based on asymmetrical breasts. 
So I head to the clinic, consultant has a feel and agrees on the dip and can feel a lump underneath it. This then leads them to book me in as urgent for the following day but for a biopsy, mammograms and so on. So I have the mammograms done, they take multiple images. Wait again to head into the consultation room with 2 student nurses, the consultant, a Ultrasound tech and a nurse. They start talking about the lump and identify another one but at this point Im a bit numb and not really taking it all in. I have the biopsies done and then the consultant speaks to me, here is where Im upset at myself as I cant remember the exact wording (my head was and is a mess) but something along the lines of “Concerned” or “Suspecting” malignancy. It was all so fast though. I had titanium chips popped in over the two lumps tested then sent back out for another mammogram to confirm their placement and booking me in for an MRI. During the last mammogram I felt so stupid, I was almost literally frozen as every muscle was so tense and I just couldn't stop trembling. The poor technician was trying to get me to relax but I just couldn’t 
I feel so lost, so scared and to be honest completely blindsided and I don't know if Im just being a big baby or if this is a normal reaction to it all. Has anyone experienced something similar and its come back as benign? Im praying it comes back benign but their reaction and way they are speaking has made me feel like they already know it’s cancer. Then I spiral thinking oh god what if its spread already? And the littlest pain anywhere is making me so paranoid.
Im so grateful to my GP and hospital for moving so quickly, the other half just feels terrified. 
Sorry for the long rambly post and thank you for reading, I just feel like Im free falling right now x

  • Offline in reply to Kwoody

    Oh lovely :(.  
    It may feel like that for a while but it doest get better. 
    The place your mentally in many will tell you is one of the hardest as you have been told just enough to be scared but not enough to know. It will get better as time goes on. 
    I felt like I was free falling and have no shame in saying I took diazepam to help me get through that time. Obviously if you decide something like that may help be careful and speak to your GP. 
    Do you have a support system?
    Its really scary but I promise on here and on Breast Cancer Nows forum you will meet just the kindest people who can relate.

    I dont know how Id have got through the last few weeks without the advice, support and kindness of the people on here. 

    xxx

  • Offline in reply to Kwoody

    Hi lovely, try and stay calm, I know exactly what your going through. If the ultrasound shows clear lymph nodes, I was same at ultrasound mine were clear, and after operation they were definitely clear....massive hugs, we are all here for you. Xxx

  • Offline in reply to Kwoody

    Hi again, everything your experiencing right now is exactly the same as I was and the other ladies on here...its the waiting that is the worst part. Speak to a BC nurse at the hospital, they are fabulous at listening. Don't Google unnecessary it will make you feel worse....I'm waiting on radiotherapy now and feel anxious but I'll be ok. Xxx

  • Offline in reply to Rambleon88

    That's so true, helped me no end....xxx

  • Offline

    I’ve done so much googling and wish I hadn’t. Thanks to you all for replying. It makes me feel less alone. I have my husband who is very supportive and grown up chn who don t know yet. Waiting till I know myself before telling them, I’m a teacher and work have been amazing so that’s helping xxx

  • Offline in reply to TM1

    Sending big hugs :)!! Even the other day it was so helpful putting on like “Ladies Ive had a emotional *** week” and both your messages back along the lines of “Us too” its so helpful when you all have a good idea what each other are going through xx

  • Offline in reply to Kwoody

    Oh lovely Im being such a hypocrite saying this I know but please please please try and stay away from google. I didnt and terrified myself. I did it again only earlier this week, made myself feel horrendous, spoke to my breast cancer nurse who assured me things were in fact  positive but I struggle sometimes to let myself believe it. Google is not your friend right now, my advice is to leave it be as much as you can. Awe Im glad you have a supportive hubby and your work is being good. I was almost like a bloody limpet to my poor husband in the early days, we would chuck on movies in the evenings and I just found the escapism really helped, still does some days!. 
    Please dont feel alone with this though, even if you just need a space to vent reach out to us here :-) xx

  • Offline in reply to Kwoody

    Glad your work has been supportive with you. You could tell your children but it's up to you, I found telling them was better for me. It's the unknown that's the fear, that's when I lost the plot so to speak and literally walked out of work, I to felt like you, everyone carrying on regardless. Stay in contact on here and don't be afraid to reach out, your not alone whatsoever. You can say what your feeling that you might not be able to say out loud hun, it sure got me through. Try to have a nice weekend and keep yourself busy. Your stronger than you think xx

  • Offline in reply to Kwoody

    I've had a lumpectomy and being honest it's not so bad, I was stage one and now waiting on appointment for radiotherapy. The ladies on here are amazing no matter what your result will be....xx

  • Offline in reply to TM1

      Its true, the people who interact on here are so wonderful! We are all on similar journeys albeit the paths we get there on are a little different. 
    I had stage 2a Grade 2 IDC and had a left mastectomy with no reconstruction and decided to go with chemo so waiting on Oncology now. 

    Its going to all feel a bit overwhelming and still many people have biopsies that end up not being cancer. If however yours does come back positive you aren't alone, be kind to yourself and take it all step by step. 

    Its a club no-one wants to join but has some of the most wonderful members xxxx

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