Heyy how was it

A massive rollercoaster of info and emotion, contradictions and more.  Still not sure of path as too many questions, but yes, there will be a path as it is cancer. Still waiting on a test result which will hopefully make that path a bit clearer.

Wow! How is your head and how long do you get to make your decision? I was thinking about you today?  

Thank you.  Appreciate the support. Head is, well, insert swear word her?!

No real decisions to make. The test is for HER2. If + then chemo first.  If not then surgery.  

But at least i know something, which is better than knowing nothing and worrying. 

Got to tell my folks now.  

Good Luck with that. I am certain they will be 100% supportive. I am telling nobody. I don't think I want support off anyoe I know. They are all dramatic and emotional and I really don't want to have to support them. I am quietly getting my affairs in order. Will made, funeral paid for and someone to adopt my dog. I know that's all very final, but just in case it's all sorted. Whatever I hear this Friday, I'm not sure if I can be bothered with a battle. I am bipolar and have battled all my life, so rest and eternal peace is looking good at the moment. We'll see. Listening to you all is making me feel like I should fight too. 

They will be outwardly supportive but practically not so much.  

I'm sorry to hear of your battles.  Bipolar is tough, especially if you have little support.  My best friend was diagnosed with bipolar in early 20s and she's had a roller coaster ride.

It's always good to get affairs in order.  I also thought i would review my will and plan my funeral. Think it's a good idea for anyone.  

Only you can know how you feel. I hope you can get some support from elsewhere - here! Macmillian have a phone line you can use.  I called when i felt massively anxious and it was easier talking to a stranger. 

Whatever you hear on Friday,  let it settle a bit.  I heard good-ish news and then felt they took all that away and felt it with awful news. 

Had an awful night.  I realised the hospital had made a traumatic thing even worse because they put theur needs before mine as a patient. (I'm neurodiverse). So now I'm angry and distrustful.

Give your dog a cuddle. Mine is an endless source of joy and comfort when there's none elsewhere. 

Thinking of you  x

Heyy how old are you

It's funny how that happens. You feel positive and quite upbeat and then things come back to you, and you start questioning everything. When I was there the doctor asked me if I had any questions? I said no but she asked again straightaway my paranoid brain kicked in. I asked if I should have questions and if I was missing something. Then I got left with the 'care nurse' and the same thing happened. My humour is typical Liverpool sarcasm, and when she asked me if I was OK, I told her I was fine because after faied suicide attempts I may finally get my wish without upsetting anyone. I said 'it's a win win for me'. I was joking but there is an element of truth to what I said. However, she took me seriously and rang my mental health team, so I have had them checking up on me since. What area are you in? I am on the Wirral and I am amazed at how organised they are. I just wish things would be quicker, but I can't complain really because they are pretty speedy. I hate not having control. Ex teacher so I like control.

You're right about the dog. They are a fabulous distraction

Heyy maybe you’ll get good news on Friday