I'm petrified, but I must admit it is not the first time I'm convinced I have cancer:
It happened while waiting for a colposcopy after my first abnormal smear test, and then again while waiting for a brain MRI scan after a routine eye test showed some possible nerve damage.
I felt extremely lucky when those turned out to be nothing; and also a bit silly and somehow guilty for making a fuzz.
And yet, here I am again. Googling, reading posts and looking at pictures of poop on the internet :S
Instead of learning from previous experiences, I feel it would be too lucky having another good result; particularly after the positive FIT and the scary symptoms. My doctor believes the positive FIT is from an haemorrhoid and that "I should not worry" but as you all probably know, that is easier said than done.
This negative thinking fully overcomes my life and I believe it is the reason I swept symptoms under the rug for a bit too long. I knew tests would be performed and, at a minimum, I would go through this awful waiting time. In a twisted way, replaying the gloomiest of scenarios in my head feels "proactive", as if it would prepare me for it in real life, which is of course ridiculous, but my feelings do not stand to reason.
This level of stress and anxiety trying to anticipate the future, if anything, can only do harm. My relationships suffer, my work suffers, my general wellbeing suffers, and as my doctor believes IBS, Coeliac or plain stress is way more probable, the waiting time for the colonoscopy is still unknown.
I've considered reaching out to a therapist for help on dealing with the uncertainty of waiting, does anyone have any experience with something like that? (I don't really think it could possible help, but it would definitely not hurt, so maybe worth trying...)
Thanks for reading this pointless rant. I'll go ahead and try to focus on work for at least a whole 10 minutes...:S
Lots of love and positive vibes!
Mia.
