Hi there. 

So, I [26F] posted on here a few months ago (in March) about a mole on my leg that I have had for years on the inside of my thigh – a place that rarely gets any sun exposure. I hadn't thought anything of it, because it had always been there for as long as I can remember and hadn't changed since I noticed it properly a few years ago, but I thought it would be best to go and get it taken a look at. It's not very big – about 3mm, though slightly asymmetrical. I went to my local GP, and the doctor (who had worked in skin clinics), examined it with a handheld dermascope (I think). He took a look at it, as well as all my other moles and said that he didn't see anything concerning or worrisome. Of course, I walked away with some peace of mind and relatively happy, so I took his advice and stopped obsessing over my mole as he said it was fine and nothing to worry about.

I then explained to him about my severe health anxiety (which he was very sympathetic about) and he said that I shouldn't over-check my skin because it will drive me crazy, but to check it every couple of months to see if any changes occur by taking photos. So I took his advice.  haven't checked my skin since March, but when I did so last week, I noticed that the mole which he said was 'nothing to worry about' has gotten darker and the pigment has spread. It is also 'shiny' compared to all of my other moles. I'm freaking out because according to all of the photos I have been looking at (because unfortunately I haven't been able to break the Dr. Google habit), I'm almost positive that it's melanoma – whether it's SSM or nodular, I cannot tell the difference, but I just know that it's going to come back as such. My brain is convincing me of it and cannot see how it could be anything else. 

I have another appointment with a different doctor this Saturday, as I won't be able to settle until it's seen to, so I am going to push for them to refer me to dermatology (and as it's changed in colour and shape, I'm hoping they will anyway). I have a photo of the mole when I went to the first doctor and a photo of the mole now, and the change is definite and clear (which I will show to them). But the main point of all this, is that I am spiralling once again. I haven't been able to sleep for a week and a half. I keep looking at my mole obsessively every 2 hours or so, to see if it has grown. I haven't been able to eat properly, and I am virtually sick with worry. It's all I can think about. At this point, I just want it gone. 

Honestly, I am utterly terrified. I am terrified by how long this mole has been there (at least 4 or 5 years, if not longer), and terrified that I don't know how long it has been cancerous (if it is) – has it been years, weeks, months? Is it in a pre-cancerous phase? Has it invaded deeply into the skin? Is it stage 1 or 2? Or is it stage 3 and has spread to my other organs? Or worse, stage 4. I can't stop thinking about these questions. What makes is worse is all of the stories you hear, especially of melanomas in people my age – how they were mostly inconspicuous and people didn't think anything of them. They then left them so long that the cancer spread and spread. I've also read a lot of stories about how the small melanomas can be more invasive than the bigger ones as they tend to grow deeper more quickly. (I know some of these stories are outdates and there have been massive improvements in treatments since a lot of these individuals were first diagnosed, but I've barely seen any positive stories where the end result isn't the dreaded D word!). I also haven't seen or heard any stories whatsoever about people's moles changing and being benign. (It also doesn't help that people don't post updates to their posts so we never find out the results – which I think can disproportionately affect the perception of how bad things are!)

**I should also mention that I am NOT a sunbed user, and never have been. I always use suncream when I am outside in the sun for a long time, but I DON'T sunbathe. I've done literally everything I can to keep sun safe, including wearing jeans on super hot days and trying to keep the mole as covered as possible. I've also never had a sunburn. I barely go outside in summer, and when I do, I always try and look for shade! I then think about all of the things I might have done to induce it – I do have a little bit of a Pepsi Max addiction, and drink a couple of cans a day, so now I'm thinking that maybe I've caused this. My immune system isn't the most amazing (because I was a preemie baby), but it's not terrible and has had it's fair share of hard work over the past couple of years with multiple colds, and two lots of Covid. 

I can't stop thinking about the fact that this might be the thing that gets me (through my own fault, obviously, because there is nobody to blame but myself for not getting it looked at sooner), and that I might only have a few months, or years, to live. I know I said this in my previous post, but the stress and worry is ten times as worse this time because of the noticeable changes. I've started writing my 'goodbye' letters and voice notes in the event that I am given the worst-case scenario. I've started thinking about all my finances and how I can cash them out to complete as many of my 'bucket list' (I hate that term) goals as I can. . 

I've also been having this weird sensation in my head – l things spinning a little when I move it or look up from my computer, so the hypochondriac in me is telling me that it's spread to my brain now too. 

I know that 75% of people who walk away from derm appointments end up with a clean bill of health, but with what my mum has been through (cervical cancer and 2 lots of breast cancer – NOT BRCA gene related) I feel like I'm always catastrophizing and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm always expecting life to throw us another *** card and curveball, and I've lost the ability to feel positive when it comes to medical appointments – especially possibly cancer-related ones. I can't stop thinking about how this is going to be something bad. I feel like I've lost my ability to hope for the best. Everything feels grey and bleak and I don't know what to do. :-(