I went to the doctors last week Wednesday to discuss issues with my period, or lack there of.  I have long suspected PCOS but never had it diagnosed.  I suppose being 33 and in a happy long term relationship it got me thinking about my fertility and prospects of starting a family soon, so it seemed the right time to investigate. 

I have been suffering from fatigue, bloating, abdominal and back pain and cramps as well as difficulty with passing stools for a while but chalked this up to undiagnosed PCOS. 

I was referred for a vaginal ultrasound on the bank holiday Monday and blood tests on the following Thursday.  

My ultrasound results were back the following day and the surgery arranged a telephone call with the GP 2 days later. The speed of things had me a little concerned but I was not expecting to hear that I have a possible dermoid cyst on one ovary and a "growth with a blood supply" on the other.  It floored me and aside from understanding that I am being fast tracked for a gynaecology referral I didn't take much else in, except I do indeed have at least one polycystic ovary. 

The GP explained that he was referring me for a CA125 blood test and suggested I pick up the referral slip within the hour so that I could have the tests carried out at the same time as all the others.  I am waiting for these results.

I have already had the gynaecology referral letter and wait to hear from them about the appointment details.

I am trying to remain optimistic but I feel like so many aspects of my life have become so trivialised by the prospect of what could be.  

The wind has been taken out of my sails and my emotions are all over the place.  I go from positive and optimistic, dark humour and making long term future plans like travel, marriage etc. to thinking the absolute worst and questioning how long I may have left. One moment I feel fine and the next I'm sobbing at the prospect of missing out on a life that has only just begun.

I feel guilty for the negative feelings because I may be lucky and the growth may not be anything too nasty. I might be fine whilst so many others out there aren't so lucky. 

I also feel like a bit of a drama Queen - no one has told me I have cancer so what's the problem, right? No one actually has told me I'm being dramatic and I'm fortunate to have really supportive people around me, but I can't imagine how it must look or feel from their perspective. 

I can well imagine this limbo period being one of the toughest times on the journey.  I have been so naive because luckily neither myself or my nearest and dearest (to my knowledge) have gone through this.  I certainly feel like my emotional intelligence has developed.