Whoa, take a deep breath and put the brakes on before you dive headlong into mental exhaustion.

Dr Google has a lot to answer for and whilst you've been (probably unintentionally) looking for all the worst case signs you have totally ignored the positive points in your favour.

Firstly, you are young and this is a positive as a large percentage of melanoma is caused by UV damage over a number of years. You aren't old enough to have accumulated that amount of damage unless you've been an avid user of sun beds. In fact, you haven't mentioned if you've ever been sunburnt on your inner thigh, are a sunbather or sunbed user. If UV damage isn't the cause it's genetic and is usually because 3 or more close relatives have had melanoma (not other types of skin cancer).

Your mole is small and raised - neither of these are warning signs. Being darker than your other moles isn't unusual but asymmetry is a warning sign. It will all depend on whether your GP thinks there are 3 or more warning signs to refer you to dermatology. If your surgery has a GP that specialises in dermatology they will examine your mole with a dermascope which will tell them more.

Now, if you are referred, a biopsy necessary and it is melanoma, it will not be 30mm/3cm based on your calculations. Melanoma does not follow mathematical calculations - it's unpredictable and can grow slowly over a number of years or swiftly over a few months. I left my mole for a year before seeing a doctor yet it only grew to 0.7mm in that year. Since that time (1996) I've known hundreds of melanoma patients and none have had a melanoma deeper than 7mm, even after some had left getting checked out for a long time. Also, the depth means there is more opportunity for it to spread internally but not every deep melanoma does. Similarly, a small number of shallow melanomas do spread. Mine, at 0.7mm (Stage 1) spread to my lymph nodes (Stage 3). So there is no rhyme or reason to melanoma. Treatment is also moving apace so many more people now live with melanoma rather than die from it.

It's great that you are seeing your GP on Monday and hopefully you will know more then. Please remember that a mole can turn out to be benign, malignant or dysplastic (atypical) which means it's precancerous. 75% of patients referred to dermatology are given a clean bill of health so the odds are on your side, all things considered. So, take a breath, stop overthinking it and stop prodding and poking the area which probably accounts for the weird sensations you are experiencing. And stop referring to Dr Google which is fuelling your anxiety. Good luck on !Monday and please let us know how you get on.

Angie (Stage 3 melanoma patient since 2009)

Nope. I've never used a sunbed. I rarely ever sunbathe... I think I've done it maybe once or twice on holiday (on the rare occasion that that happens!), but I'm lathered up with sun cream all the way! I'm a spray-on tan girl through and through!!!

After what my mum has been through, I decided from a young age that I didn't want to put myself at more risk for something that is mostly preventable! (I don't smoke either because my nan had lung cancer!)  

I always wear sun cream, I spend most of the time in the shade on sunny days (or I tend to wear jeans or long trousers even though it's boiling outside, to protect this specific mole!). 

I've only been midly sunburnt once -- on my shoulders by accident, but NEVER on my inner thigh... that I know of.

I think I'm just terrified that I could be one of those people who has dodgy genes or something. I think with everything my family has been through, sometimes it feels that way.

I admit I haven't been the healthiest food wise, because I'm a super fussy eater, but I try and look after myself as best as I can elsewhere! 

If would just be an absolute *** if it was something bad, because I just think about how I do everything I possibly can to protect myself, and yet other people my age use sunbeds all the time! 

Thank you both so much. I think my health anxiety is running away with me these days, and it loves to overthink everything and catastrophize. 

I will definitely let you know how I get on! 

It's good to hear you are sun safe and care for your health. That makes the odds even better for you. 

I think health anxiety can be debilitating so please let your GP know how this is affecting you xx

Hi Angie. 

I know there are some good odds stacked against me, but I think my instinct is to look at the bad ones... perhaps it's because of everything my mum has been through, but my brain prepares me for the absolutely worst-case scenario in every event. It doesn't know how to do anything else. (Unresolved PTSD perhaps?!) 

I know it doesnt change anything, or shield you from the shock of it actually happening (if it does), but I feel like I'd much rather anticipate the absolutley bleakest situation possible and be pleasantly surprised rather than thinking "it'll be fine" and having my hopes shattered. I think panic is just hard-wired into my body. 

I know it's important to think positively, but I just feel like I don't have any hope that's it's going to be good news. 

I'd be lying if I said I was doing better today, but truthfully, the anxiety is even worse. I also have OCD, and so my brain takes over with ruminating on the bad possibilites. It's very very VERY hard for me to stop an obsession, especially when it comes to health anxiety. A couple of years ago, I was checking the lymph nodes in my arm consistently every day for months because I was convinced I had breast cancer as I kept feeling weird shooting pains, and extremely achey boobs (which were mostly likely from PMS, as they only seemed to happen on or before my period!)

I think I also look at the statistics, and they still seem utterly bleak. The fact that immunotherapy only works in 20-30% of all melanoma cases is terrifying, and doesn't instill still much hope in me, as that means there is a 70-80% chance that it won't work. The same goes for other treatment options. There's also the case of if it does turn out to be melanoma and it isn't caused by a faulty gene and is just some sheer stroke of bad luck, then I feel the options are drastically smaller due to lack of targeted gene therapies like BRAF. 

I know this is all theoretical, and it could be that I'm worrying over absolutley nothing, but I feel like I don't trust my body anymore. I don't even trust my body to have a "gut instinct" because my health anxiety is so debilitating that it can't differentiate it from imagined things anymore, 

It also doesn't help that a few days ago I posted photos of my mole onto a melanoma forum, and someone commented that out of all the moles they've seen on there, mine was in the top 5% of likely melanomas. That did wonders for my anxiety, as you can imagine! 

I've also been reading a lot of stories, and it's hard to find the positive ones of people who have survived past the statistics, when most late stage patients have between 2-6 years at best. 

I just like things are so bleak right now. :( 

Ok, firstly you need to come out of that forum - I'm guessing it's an American one because NO ONE, not even melanoma patients, are qualified to give an opinion on what a mole looks like. If Dermatologists can't do it without a biopsy goodness knows why a patient thinks they know better! In my 26 years as a patient I would never make such a suggestion - leave it up to the experts. This has fuelled your anxiety and it was totally pointless so don't ask for anyone's opinion other than a clinician (sorry but it boils my blood and I hate support groups who allow this kind of thing).

Don't read immunotherapy stats too closely. Immuno hasn't been around long enough for them to have true stats yet and they are always changing the way immuno is given to get the best results. Amongst the Stage 4 patients I know there are many more than 30% who have survived, some still free of cancer after 12 years. Stats are ever changing as each year goes by and the stats you are reading are at least 4 years old because it takes that long to produce and publish them. A lot has improved in that 4 years. Yes, those with the BRAF positive gene also have targeted therapy as an option but there are several types of immunotherapy - if one doesn't work they try a different one or they combine two together. Alongside immuno there are other types of treatment available and trials accessible dependant on the location of the tumour(s) so it's not as cut & dried as you believe.

Please take a step back from getting immersed in something that may never happen. You haven't even seen your GP yet so if it all turns out to be fine you have worried yourself to death for nothing and you can't get these days and weeks back. Good luck tomorrow,

Angie

Ok, firstly you need to come out of that forum - I'm guessing it's an American one because NO ONE, not even melanoma patients, are qualified to give an opinion on what a mole looks like. If Dermatologists can't do it without a biopsy goodness knows why a patient thinks they know better! In my 26 years as a patient I would never make such a suggestion - leave it up to the experts. This has fuelled your anxiety and it was totally pointless so don't ask for anyone's opinion other than a clinician (sorry but it boils my blood and I hate support groups who allow this kind of thing).

Don't read immunotherapy stats too closely. Immuno hasn't been around long enough for them to have true stats yet and they are always changing the way immuno is given to get the best results. Amongst the Stage 4 patients I know there are many more than 30% who have survived, some still free of cancer after 12 years. Stats are ever changing as each year goes by and the stats you are reading are at least 4 years old because it takes that long to produce and publish them. A lot has improved in that 4 years. Yes, those with the BRAF positive gene also have targeted therapy as an option but there are several types of immunotherapy - if one doesn't work they try a different one or they combine two together. Alongside immuno there are other types of treatment available and trials accessible dependant on the location of the tumour(s) so it's not as cut & dried as you believe.

Please take a step back from getting immersed in something that may never happen. You haven't even seen your GP yet so if it all turns out to be fine you have worried yourself to death for nothing and you can't get these days and weeks back. Good luck tomorrow,

Angie

Hi Angie and Amy!

I went to my GP surgery this morning. My normal GP wasn't in so I was seen by a different doctor... but he said that he had an extra advantage because he used to work in skin clinics (which actually makes me feel far better than if it was just my normal GP!)

I told him that I don't use sunbeds, take all the right precautions, and he then obviously asked me about family history. I told him that because of all the things my mum has been through I automatically expect the worst, and that the more I look at the mole, the worse it looked, and how I've basically convinced myself I'm dying thanks to Dr. Google (which he said was understandable, given everything.)

He looked at the particular mole in question with that special handheld light thing, and he said that it was slightly raised, but he didn't see anything that was concerning or worrisome! He then took a look at all of the other moles on my body just to be sure/compare, and he said that they were all fine too! 

(Though my anxious brain is trying to use all of the research and stories I've read to convince me that he's wrong – health anxiety sucks, doesn't it? But, I'm trying my best to remind myself that he has far more experience and expertise than myself, and definitely more than strangers on reddit who think they're honorary dermatologists! I guess I still have a bit of mistrust in doctors after they failed to diagnose my mum with breast cancer properly the first time she had it (because the lump went from pea size to about 11cm across and into her lymph nodes within a year, after she was continuously told it was nothing to worry about)... but then again, that was 15 years ago and entirely different doctor, and I know realistically occurences like that are few and far between!)

He did say that if I continued to be worried about it, to take a photo of it every month with a ruler – that way I can see if it's changing in shape or size!

I have to admit, I'm rather relieved. I feel like I can breathe and focus again for the first time in weeks! 

Oh I'm so pleased to read your update. Other than keeping an eye out for changes, I hope you can forget about the moles and live every moment to the fullest! Lots of love coming your way x

I'm so glad that the GP specialises in dermatology as that gives you much more confidence in their advice. I'm also pleased that they suggested the ruler and photo tip. Only do this once a month otherwise you will become obsessed with checking and re-checking. I suggest you mark your calender for the 1st of each month.

Now let the stress drop from your shoulders and enjoy life xx

An update:

I’m heading back to the doctors at some point this week or next (and I’m going to push for a referral/biopsy), because in the time I posted this to now there have been clear changes to this same mole. It has grown in shape (as in it was kind of blotchy before but has now been filled in, for lack of a better explanation) and is darker than it was (perhaps the “filled in” parts creating the illusion that it’s darker). After the appointment, (about a week or so later) the skin surrounding my mole started to itch every now and then. I put it down to being hot, as I sit with my legs virtually fused together, or irritation from my clothes seams… but it was only ever in the one thigh near that specific point. I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me and making me feel things that weren’t real, but I guess not. 

I‘m furious, and utterly disappointed in myself. A part of me thought, no, you need to have someone else look at it because I couldn’t trust the doctors word… but then another part of me so badly wanted relief and peace that I didn’t even question the doctor or get a second opinion. But I knew it was too good to be true. I knew it. Because life seems to love dealing me and my family the shittiest cards in the deck, as much as we’ve tried to play a good hand.

What also infuriates me too, is that I have tried my hardest to protect myself. I don’t use tanning beds. I rarely sunbathe, and if I do, I lather on the suncream. I try and sit in the shade rather than direct sun during its most potent hours, and I always make sure that patch of skin is covered (it’s quite high up on my thigh, so I wouldn’t want it on show anyway!!) It infuriated me that I do everything right and take all the precautions but then other people my age use sunbeds religiously and have walked away with nothing but a perfect tan. How is that fair???!!!! (I know life isn’t fair, but I’m still going to be salty  about it.) 

My anxiety is now sky high once again.  I know I was perhaps overthinking in my original post as I tend to catastrophize everything, but this time I am almost certain that it’s melanoma — and probably an aggressive one at that, considering how much change has happened to it in the space of 3 months. I don’t see how it can possibly be anything else other than this. There is no way to explain the changes happening to the mole in a good or benign way. I will also mention that it hasn’t changed a lot in size as it’s still sitting at 3mm by a ruler measurement though, which then makes me think that it’s now growing downwards instead of sideways, so I guess I’m screwed. I’m also thinking it might be cause of the elevation of it that it might be nodular rather than SSM in which case I might be doubly screwed! 

I know I need to go back to the doctor (and I will) but I am terrified of finding out the diagnosis, even though I already know in the back of my mind s to what it’s going to be. Actually, it’s not so much the diagnosis that scares me, because pre-cancerous are typically non fatal if and can be dealt with, but perhaps I’m paralysed with fear to know how far it has progressed. My best estimate because of how rapidly it is changing is that it’s no longer pre-cancerous and has progressed to invasive — probably at stage 1 now, perhaps stage 2. By the time I get referred and treated, I’m going to guess it will have progressed even more — perhaps even to stage 3. 

I’m trying my best not to cry, because nothing has been confirmed, but the reality of what I’m probably about to face is really hitting me. 

Of course, my anxiety is also telling me to start preparing my obituary, bucket list, and funeral plans again, because I’m petrified that I might only have a couple of months if not years, to live. I’m petrified that this is going to kill me, and I’m holding so much blame over myself at not getting it seen several years ago — before it started growing in to something. I’ve been robbed of my future and I have nobody to blame but myself. 

The future looks so bleak. I have lost all my positivity and hope :-(

I also apologise for this very very long message, but I think sometimes it is easier to vent your feelings to a group of strangers than it is to people you know. 

Whilst it's always good to have changes checked out, i think these changes are because you've sat and overanalysed this mole for weeks on end. Lighting, camera positioning etc etc can all make things appear differently that aren't different. Also, mind over matter comes into play. You can literally think yourself into itching. Again, you've been so focused on this mole, of course you're gonna feel sensations. Seriously, overthink about an itch on your face, after a few minutes, bang, you now have an itch.

You see it so many times on these forums, people coming on in utter states, see their doctor, get told all is fine and after a day or 2, the person is back to square one. Some even having had a battery of tests. They won't settle until they get an MRI, then they get an MRI, they go home appeased for a day, then go trawling through Google searching if MRI's can miss stuff. MRI's miss stuff, so they're convinced they have it all over again.

Do get it checked out, and even request the tests you want (no guarantee you will get them without going private), and if all that comes back, you really need to stay away from google and these types of forums. Here, cancer is everywhere, you will not and can not move on with your life convinced you are dying. You've gone from thinking you've got melanoma, to having stage 4 melanoma within the same sentence.

You will never be appeased by any tests as you'll seek out flaws for each and every single one. Google is not and never was intended to be a diagnostic tool. You type stuff in, and you get the answers you are seeking, cancer. Google can't tell you it's benign, so it's pointless looking.

You need to deal with that health anxiety because you're so frightened and forced on your life being destroyed by cancer that you're ignoring it's already being destroyed by health anxiety. What's the difference?  There are none because either way, you're not enjoying the life you have.

I completely understand all this, and even I would be inclined to believe that it was all in my head — but I have been taking photos of it three months to compare, and there is absolutely no denying the changes that have happened to it. First photo: Jan. Second photo: March. Third photo: June. I have lined up all of the photos, and there is a definitely progression with each one, which is the thing that makes me think it’s extremely sinister.