I'm sitting here in front of the TV avoiding going to bed because I know I'll struggle to fall asleep.

Brief background... I am a 45 year old mother of 4.  I felt a lump in my left breast a couple of months ago, but for various reasons, I did not go the GP. I know I should have gone to see her sooner, but I didn't. Anyway, I eventually went on 12 December and she made an urgent referral to the breast clinic due to my family history. My mum had a malignant breast lump removed in her 30s and my maternal aunt had breast cancer when she was 47.  The appointment came through on 20 December and I had a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy on 20 December.  I get the result tomorrow afternoon.

I know most referrals are nothing, but I can't help worrying. For me, the C word means mainly bad things.  My father died of carcinoma of unknown origin (as on his death certificate) when he was just 44. As mentioned, my mother had a malginant lump, plus she had cervical cancer. Then five years ago, when she was 64, she was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma which had already spread to her lymph nodes and she died in November 2021. Then in August 2022, her very close friend was diagnosed with cancer (I'm not sure what the primary was) and she died in November 2022... plus in the same month my cousin was diagnosed wtih acute myeloid lukaemia. He i only 40.

On top of this, I'm dealing with some other stuff and I'm due to start counselling in 2 weeks' time.  My GP has been wonderful and has upped my antidepressants to help me get through these next few weeks.  Needless to say, I'm a bit of a mess at the moment and I'm terrified for what tomorrow brings.

Thank you for reading this... I'm not sure what the point is, but I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head and into a safe space.

P.S. Sorry for any typos. My eyes are tired and when that happens, I struggle to focus on the computer.