No matter how much sleep I get, no matter what good food I eat, I am always tired, I am coughing up white jelly, I have a constant fever, my muscles have started to feed, I’m always depressed, always tired, and that’s honestly why mate I go quiet because this is the *** the sad reality in my life is, nobody needs to hear this. My parents tell me on a daily basis that people will get fed up with me, they’re constantly threatening to put me in a mental hospital is it that ain’t going to happen, be going to do any good and see they live in this false reality were that type of thing can just happen overnight. I probably only take one *** every eight days, I’m not clogged up it’s this *** cancer using the nutrients. My fingers have started to crack, because my skeleton has a good frame people don’t see me as I may see an end, I am waiting on being called for my CT scan and *** myself 24/7. I am a fearful, anxious, sad, depressed mess. That is why I don’t reply to people, because who  needs to hear thisI am angry, sad and fearful all the time. Nobody believes me, but I am literally dying from cancer every day.
For six months, six months I’ve been dealing with this and it’s just getting worse and worse and worse when eventually the test results show what I’ve been experiencing, everyone will be pulling their hair out, telling me I need to fight, telling me not to lie down under it, but they don’t realise what the last six months have been like in my mind and body
I am only 41 years of age, the test results are just a formality
I’ve been eating at my parents and I can’t put weight on
My body burns with a fever each night, because my main system is trying to fight for cancer, it’s not just sweat it’s burning, I wake up every single morning and it feels like I have the flu
Everyone constantly tries to put this positive mental attitude *** at me, but they aren’t experiencing what I am and have been, it’s all fine and well in theory telling people to cheer up, that things could be worse, I would’ve done all the same stuff and said all the same things but nobody knows, nobody knows I do not want anyone that I know to ever experience where I am, it is an absolutely horrendous position to be in to know 120% you are literally dying every single day, before it has been officially put out there.And somehow people still expect me just to get on with it, actors if nothing is happening even when I try, and if I appear to be doing somewhat well for a day or two, then I have a rough day where I’m mentally feeling anxious because I’m dying, or because I’m physically tired, my parents freak out at me. Rather than supporting me and even for a mental health point of nothing else except that I will have good days and bad days, they just get *** off at me. If I sit downstairs in my parents, they get *** off at me because I’m quiet, if I go upstairs *** off at me because I’m lying on top of the bed, no matter which way I turn I come out when I catch a break. If I eat a dinner at my parents and I’m told there’s clearly nothing wrong with me, if I don’t eat then I’m being told that I’m deliberately making myself weak that they have noticed a pattern. It is *** sick and I am being mentally tortured despite what is going already physically and mentally with me. People say to me, how can you know you have cancer when a doctor hasn’t told you you have cancer yet? Remember, I am the blind guy who did 2° in computer science, you figured out how to buy cannabis on the web, figured out how to use crypto currency, it is unbelievable that people would doubt  that I know my own body and one things are going disastrously wrong with it.  This has been six months, six months to people really think that I could continue this narrative for six months if there wasn’t something seriously seriously though
I have no idea when my scan will be, the doctor has forwarded me, he even gave me a letter that my parents were meant to private hospitals to get me an appointment, but they haven’t done that. I don’t even want to go for the scan, but I’m getting no support from them.They live in a world where are they think it’s acceptable to try and phone the doctor surgery, and give up after 13 redial attempts. They will literally try and phone the doctor and he doesn’t get answered they will say will try tomorrow. My mother has screamed into my face that this is all psychological, but she recognises a pattern, and I’m doing this to torture them.
I am a good and honest person, I don’t want to ever hurt anyone, I’ve always been kind and loving but this has made me selfish recognise that, when you feel awful every day for six months and more, and that awfulness both mentally and physically gets worse each week it makes you a very very selfish person, my world has gotten very small, I am lying in my bed in my house in Lisburn and I at least have my dog with me for the minute. I managed to get her back last Sunday, I had to *** the lady from Guide Dogs that I will be able to do more exercise than I can, Niall when I walk anywhere near the speed they used to my throat fills up with Bernie mucus coming from my lungs, my friend Adam stayed last night and he had to even acknowledge that my mucus was extremely thick and was like jelly, he’s a very methodical thinker and then say that he never seen anything like that before. It is pure white, I explained to him that the whiteness is not a sign of health, in his white blood cells. It’s coming from my immune system. People assume that lung cancer always have blood of pink in it, people assume that lung cancer coughing is always hacking and rattling, the same people don’t look at Mcmullan‘s website or even the NHS and educate themselves. It has been a massive battle for me to even get the doctor to forward me for a scan, the doctor is not going to forward you for a scan just to settle your mind as my parents have told me is the only reason why he is forwarding me for a scan. That doesn’t happen.

They’re still convinced that when I nearly passed out in his surgery weeks ago and he sent me immediately to the Hospital that I was just having a panic attack, again you don’t get sent to the Hospital and put on any CG machine and I have a chest x-ray for panic attacks. I am physically, and emotionally completely done then. It will never happen, but my dream is to do literally just go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning. I don’t want the drama of going for a CT scan and the results, I don’t want everyone running around crying and clutching at their hair, I don’t want the long drawn out process of dying from lung cancer in my parents house,
Joanna has promised that when the results come out she will take me into her home and into her arms, that there will be little to no drama, just kindness and love. I have no idea how that will happen, as my parents and my family will fight with her, and I have no idea what mental state physical state I will be in at that stage. The world ticks  on outside, and I’m inside listening to people living their lives and enjoying themselves, this is made me a sad pathetic mess. I only wish that I had something that would calm me down  that would help me switch my brain off