Hi [@TheMadDogLady]‍ 

So sorry with how your feeling and with what you are going through.tri

This is a great place to vent and say things that you can't say to others - my daughter is 24, when I told her I had cancer she really didn't want to talk about it, she asked no questions and was very much in denial about the whole thing, we still spoke everyday or every other day, she just didn't want to talk about cancer with me, just before my surgery she had spoken to a friend who had asked her a question about my surgery and my daughter couldn't answer so my daughter finally picked up the courage to talk to me about it. I didn't mind that she couldn't face it, but as we have always been so close I missed be able to talk to her..... but there are of course certain things I would and still do keep from her about what was going on, I don't feel right about spilling all my emotional baggage on my 24 year old daughter.

When we are pregnant with our children and our hormones are all over the place people accept that and make allowances, when you get diagnosed with cancer it may not be our hormones all over the place, but our feelings and thoughts are and it is only natural to want to have someone that you can just ramble on to or vent it out to stop you from going nuts in your head with all these thoughts.

I would love to say that your husband is just dealing with it in his own way, that some men find it hard to show their true feelings. But he obviously has feelings otherwise he would not have got upset over the horrible death of someone that he knew of...

Have you had surgery or started any treatment yet? I was just thinking that maybe if you have not started yet that he is just trying to carry on as normal, but if you have already had surgery or already started treatment and he is still acting in this way I personally would just want to shout him into action and ask out right what's the issue here.... you might be scared of what his answer is, but you are about to be on a rollercoaster of emotions and at times feeling absolutely lousy so this situation sounds like it is not helping whatsoever and I would want to say buck up or buck off! 

It might sound harsh as this is your husband who you obviously love and just not feeling supported right now, but I hope you can have a conversation with him to find out why he is being as he is and feel free to message me to vent anytime....

Take care xx

Thank you for your reply. As far as your daughter's denial, you handled it the best way. I guess in essence she's still the child and you're still the mum and she is having trouble with mum being ill when mum's are supposed to 'fix' everything. My stepson and his partner live 2 houses down and his partners mum died of breast cancer years ago. When I was diagnosed, she said she wouldn't be around much as it brings back bad memories. I was a bit gutted and thought that if it were me on the other end, it would make me MORE empathetic. But to each their own I guess as much as it hurts, 
 

I had by surgery very quickly after diagnosis on May 11th. I had several weeks worth of radiotherapy squashed into one week. Apparently they are doing this now and getting the same outcome as they do when it's little bits of radiation over several weeks. Not to say I've had any less radiation, I've just had more each day of that 1 week. So I'm actually going through all the exhaustion, all the weakness and things that go along with the treatment as if it was stretched out for weeks.  If that makes any sense. I'm absolutely shattered. When the weather is nice, I'm out on the decking reading or just sitting. I get up to wipe down the kitchen and empty the dishwasher and I have to sit down halfway through. My autistic daughter reluctantly helps with the dishes... but she mutters and complains but at least she does it.  
 

I have a friend who's coming this weekend for one night and staying in a hotel close by to see me and catch up. She knows I don't have any energy but she wants to come and help and treat ourselves to a nice meal. I have friends close by as well who check up and ask if I need anything. I have an amazing circle of friends, so I can't complain at all about that. I just feel so very let down but then he's always been like this so varying degrees. So am I surprised? No, am I let down because I expected better from him? Yes.

How are you doing? Are you still going through your treatment? Xx

Hi [@TheMadDogLady]‍ 

My daughter lives about an hours drive away, so we were unable to see each other because of lockdown, my best friend and my Dad were the only other people I told, my best friend was really supportive and helped me out so much. He is back to his sarky, non chalent behaviour now, but thats fine as that is how he has always been and he makes me laugh but the support after surgery was amazing and even now if I need to go anywhere or do anything he drives me.

I was diagnosed in August 2020, and surgery september 2020 - I was supposed to have 20 minutes of Radiotherapy for 5 days - but after everything I decided against having it. So I have no idea on how it makes you feel after having it, but plenty of people on here have spoken about it. 

I would have also thought that your son's girlfriend might be more empathetic to your situation, but if she is young they do live in their own little bubble sometimes and watching someone else go through cancer treatment after seeing her mum die from it could be just too much for her to bear.

I think everyone just expects you to go back to normal after surgery and treatment, and just think well your fine now, get on with it, but they don't understand the tiredness and turmoil that still continues, the worry and the fear..

It's good that your friend is coming down to visit, hopefully that will give you some time to step away from the situation and just have some relaxed time.

Even if you are used to how your husband is to varying degrees, of course you still want him to show he cares, that he's worried and that he is there for you, you have every right to feel let down and unsupported... Just because this is his way, doesn't make it a right way, doesn't make it a wrong way either... but you just cry out for some caring in your time of sickness - in sickness and in health - and he just couldn't quite muster this to show you that he is really worried for you.

xx

I'm questioning Getting radiotherapy. It sounds like you were to have the same radiotherapy treatment I went through. I'm raw, burned, stinging, I've got a rash. It hurt so much and after trying 6 creams that did nothing for all the problems, I came across a pot of manuka honey beeswax balm in my dressing table. I tried it on a patch and it worked! The rash was still there but it didn't sting and burn. I think if I had the choice again I'd really have to think about whether I'd do it again. I also can't take the oestrogen blocker.  It makes me itch like I have fleas. 
 

You're right about the emotional part. Even though I'm told I'll be ok, it still doesn't calm your fears that it could happen again. It changes you. You aren't the same at all after a cancer diagnosis. Xx

I think we all question things, most of the time it comes after the fact. I know I'm a bit strange and others won't understand my reasoning, but I fine with that. I regretted having surgery, but I just went a long with it, I never gave myself time to digest it and think about it and what I wanted, it was in that daze of being told and here sign this to consent. I didn't question it at all. I suffered after surgery which I am sure is not just me, some people do get over it quickly, but it took me a long time and it gave me a chance to think do I really want to go ahead with radiotherapy, I know it is supposed to help me long term, but short term with all the other problems I have it was going to completely cut me off from being able to do anything for myself. I'm happy with my decision and not once have I thought oh well maybe I should have had it. I don't take the tamoxifen either.

WIth the emotional side of this comes the looking into things a lot more, a simple twinge, might just be a simple twinge, but in your mind it can morph into oh here we go again. you just seem to be on high alert constantly!! 

Thankfully the nurses at the breast care team are always so nice and you are able to talk to them if you should need too. I'm sure after a period of time and after the first check up a year on, you might start to relax a bit, but as we are both in that first year still, I think it will be a while yet until we start to relax about it all. xx