I'm 29 years old and I have never been to hospital for anything other than a broken bone or sports injury. At the end of October, I had my coil removed and whilst I was there the nurse pointed out it had been 4 years since my last smear. This was deliberate. I hated the first one so I wasn't about to do it again. The nurse asked why and I said because I had pains afterwards and felt I had been stripped of my dignity and pride. The conversation went on and I ended up being coerced into agreeing to do the smear. (Huge mistake). I said I didn't want to know any results and that doing it was pointless. 
 

The results unfortunately came back a couple weeks later to say that I had abnormal cells and they wanted to do a colosopy. The run up to this appointment was terrible and when I rang up to cancel I was coerced once again into going the following morning. When I got to the hospital I had a huge anxiety and panic attack that they couldn't do the check. 
 

I'm supposed to be going back to the hospital next Monday to be knocked out completely while they do the procedure and treatment at the same time and I'm terrified. I haven't been able to eat, sleep or settle. My mind is on a constant loop with all the things I'm scared of. A phobia of pain and needles is just the top of the list. I recently started CBT but will only get 3 sessions in before the dreaded day. 
 

I want to cancel the whole thing and just forget about it but no one will let me. I feel like I am being backed into a corner and stripped of my choices. I'm angry at myself and the original nurse for letting myself get put in this position. If I could go back and change it, I would in a heartbeat. 
 

Thing is I am stuck in this position of limbo. A small part of my head wants to get it over with but the rest of my head wants to bury in the sand. I don't know what to do. I'm not prepared or strong enough to get through this but if I don't the consequences could be bad. 
 

I just need some help and advice where you won't get angry at me for voicing my negativity. I know my family have my best interest at heart, but the damage this is doing to my mental health is more than physical as I am not in any pain or discomfort so I don't see why I should let someone hurt me by going through with it. 
 

Thanks for reading