My Mum has been diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer but doesn't want to talk about it. Is this normal? I want to discuss it so find it very frustrating but I don't want to upset her. Any advice please.
Personally, l shut my self away for a day and a half, l wouldn't see or talk to any one .. I cussed and cryed .. but I got all my emotion out, and felt a lot stronger after that and a heart to heart with my granddaughter in law...
When we hear those words, it takes your world, and turns it upside down .. the word future is replaced with a question mark .. everyone reacts differently, but however we do things, we need to sort our thoughts out first .. and when treatment starts it's like being put on the scariest rollercoaster ever.. not knowing when we will get off .. nothing is "normal" and nothing will ever be quite the same ..
So I'd say, give your mum space ... tell her your there if and when she wants to talk .. when she does open up, you have to respect this is her cancer, and she needs to make her own decisions... my family let me lead the way .. and just held my hand when needed .. because I felt I had some control , it all gave me the strength to go through things .. knowing what ever I decide, they would be there ..
Remember you can't take it away, or make it better .. but you can be that person who just holds her hand along the way .. there's lots of us breast cancer lasses on here ...I started on here nearly 3 years ago with 5/6 others all with different cancers and different treatments.... one of them has had a baby and were all still standing ... so things have come a long way .. she can do this with your help .. Chrissie x
Chrissie Thank you that's helpful advice. I will make sure she knows I'm there when needed. I'm concerned it's a denial thing and if it's not discussed we can continue as normal. I can only imagine that's just how some people deal with it. It's been a month now. If this is her way of dealing with it, do we just do the same? We just want to do the right thing. Treatment not due to start until things settle with Coronavirus. Thank you x
Well she's got a few weeks then to get her head around it .. so no panic .. but just be prepaired it can hit us , just when we don't see it comming .. she may be up now, but it's like standing in the sea near the edge, and some waves are gentle , but some can knock us down ..
So I'd say go with the flow .. right now it just maybe with this carona virus going on, she doesn't want to make you all worry more ... though I felt better soon as I shared feelings, but I could only do that with family, when I felt stronger and could calm family down myself ...
I'm here most days if she ever wants to chat ... as I've been there and really have got the tea shirt .. it says "cancer touched my boob ... so I kicked it's ***" with a lass on there with pink boxing gloves ..
Cancer wants us all weak, coz then it feels stronger ... once I got my head round it, and put the boxing gloves on, think I scared cancer a tad ... I had a grade 3 breast cancer... and total right masectomy in July 2017 ... I even organised my funeral, wrote letters to those I love .. I thought I was a gonna ... but I was gonna look it in the eye and take it on ... those letters and funeral are put away safely, hopefully for some time yet ... so my hunny, go with the flow, and if she does want to talk of those things... let her .. it plays on our minds .. and I felt loads better once I'd made those arrangements... but then I like taking things on ... always here if you want a chat ... Chrissie xx
Welcome to our forum. I am so sorry to hear about your Mum's diagnosis. Chrissie has expressed the feelings of someone newly diagnosed better than I ever could. Initially our heads are all over the place and, our emotions too. I expect that, for all she seems to be in denial, your mum will be having a good cry to herself when alone. She will be feeling anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, be having difficulty in sleeping, may have lost her appetite, may be worried about any delays in treatment, etc. These are all perfectly natural reactions, particularly with the current uncertainties surrounding Covid 19.
Can you accompany your mum to any hospital visits she has? I know that this is not always possible at present, as some hospitals are only allowing 1 person in at a time. However some hospitals are still allowing a second person. It is worth finding out, as it will be a great help to your Mum if you can. This also gives you a way of finding out more about her situation without having to ask her all the time.
A diagnosis of any cancer doesn't only affect the patient, it also impinges on their families. Your Mum may well be trying to save you too much angst, but she hasn't thought things out logically. It is more scary for you when you don't know what is happening, particularly when you know that she has metastases. If you are with her when she is with her consultant, you can always ask the consultant some questions too.
There is a chance that she doesn't want to know too much about her metastases, but, with her permission, you can discuss this with her consultant without her being present. This can sometimes help you to do a little forward planning to keep her as comfortable as possible. Do you know what type or grade of breast cancer she was initially diagnosed with or how far her cancer has spread now?
I lost both parents to cancer. My Mum developed metastases in her brain, bones, liver and lungs. I know how difficult it was to deal with this. It took some time for my Mum to "let me in", but it was so much better when she did. I myself have had breast cancer for 10 years. I developed a second primary a year after my first bout. Like Chrissie, I had to digest the diagnosis myself, before I could involve family and friends in my journey, but what a difference it made when I did. I am fortunate that I have a very supportive family behind me and, this has helped me to develop a more positive viewpoint to my condition.
It sounds as if you too just want to be supportive of your Mum and to look out for her. I hope that she eventually gives in and let's you all travel her journey together. Do please keep in touch and let us now how you both get on. We are always here for you.
Thank you. We know very little only what I read on her notes, it says extensive Metastatic disease in sacrum and spine, diagnosed because her femur broke. No mention of type or grade. She has no appointments booked but I would go if she wants me to. I have so many questions but I know she doesn't want to discuss it. Best wishes to you and I appreciate your time in replying, it's a relief to be able to talk to someone.
You may find it helpful to write down your questions. You will find this handy if your Mum allows you to accompany her to her hospital appointments. It might also be useful to be able to ask your Mum the occasional question too. If her metastases is fairly extensive, she may be afraid of death. Many people are. This must have come as quite a shock to your Mum, if it was only discovered because of her broken femur.
Is she having pain in her sacrum and spine? It is important to ensure that any pain is properly managed, so keep an eye on her to make certain that she is not suffering uneccessarily.
I do hope that her condition is still treatable, even though there is extensive metastasis and, that any delay in treatment due to the current pandemic, won't hamper her recovery.
There are so many different things to take on board. You have a hard road ahead. I am thinking of you and hoping that you find the strength to see this through.
So sorry to read about your Mum. You could post your questions under Ask the Nurses. You may not get a reply until Tuesday though as they are only formally online on weekdays.
I’m only a patient but the notes indicate Stage 4 as the metastases are in a part of the body distant from the primary cancer. Your Mum has probably realises this.
Chrissie is right, we all need space to deal with it but talking does help. Don’t push her too hard but do try to give her the opportunity to talk about her concerns and fears. It is all too easy to get stuck in a position where an initial reluctance to talk becomes an embedded behaviour accepted by the whole family.
I went OTT in the other direction and wouldn’t stop talking about my diagnosis with everyone I met. My reasoning was that this would prevent any future misunderstandings, particularly about DNR situations and treatment choices.
Thank you Yes she has pain in her back most of the time but she says it's because she's sitting around a lot. Yes it's been a big shock. Heartbreaking. X
Hi Challenge, my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer which had metatisised into her bones. She was quite calm when she was told, but never talked about it to us. She brought it up on one occasion when talking about a lady she met who also had lung cancer, my mum felt that she was the lucky one because she only had 3 sessions of radium treatment mainly to help with the pain, but the other lady had too stay in and have a lot of treatment ! We didnt have the heart to tell her that there was nothing that could be done. We carried on life as normal supporting her, spending time with her, sharing memories and and trying our hardest to keep her positive, knowing she only had months to live . She may have been in denial or maybe ignorance is bliss. Died 3 months later with us all there with her. All I know is that we did our best to keep her comfortable, safe and happy knowing we loved her very much. Let your mother lead you, and try to keep her life as normal as possible, make memories while you still can
