Hello,

My partner was 32 on Monday, we found out 3 days prior that he has lung cancer and it has already spread to his lymph nodes. he has been a heavy smoker since his teens. Otherwise a very fit and healthy man, exercised regularly, ate well.

It started with a pain in his back in October which he thought was an exercise injury, he struggled through Christmas with paracetamol/ibuprofen and then a lump on his neck appeared. I told him to go to the docs but he is so laid back, he thought it would just get better.

It wasnt until one Morning in January, he woke at 6am trying to catch his breath through the pain, i said enough is enough and i booked him into the doctors myself. He was seen 2 days later and they initially thought he had TB. they sent him for blood tests and an xray both of which came back clear for TB. so they referred him to the Maxillofacial facial team, the specialist there prodded and poked him for a minute and shared that he was certain it was cancer. He was sent for a CT scan the following week, and we received the results on valentines day. They confirmed he has primary lung cancer which has spread up all the lymphnodes in his neck and the lymphnodes above his collar bone. He has now been signed off work for 3 months. He has a full body PET scan tomorrow, another biopsy and a brain MRI, and then we meet with the team on 4th march to discuss it all with a treatment plan. 

We have two small children, Theo is 7 (he is my stepson but he lives with us and sees his mum on weekends) and Lily who is 2 years old. And we had dreams of starting a family business, and having more kids, and getting married. 

I know its not recommended to google things, but i am not a naive person, i like to think i know to take information from reliable sources. But i also hate anticipation, i used to make my mum tell me what presents i was getting at christmas because i couldnt bare the suspense. with everything that we know about his type of cancer and where it has spread, its likely he has stage 3b lung cancer, and i know the prognosis for that is not good at all.

To be honest, im not even sure what im hoping by sharing this on here. I am feeling so many different emotions, im so meticulous on a daily basis, i am already thinking; where am i going to live, when will i see theo, how will i explain to Lily everytime she asks where daddy is, because she's too young to understand. I am also mad at him for not listening to me all those times i told him to quit. I am mad at the world because i assume they'll be thinking 'well he smoked so what did he expect'. I feel emotional, yet logical, yet prepared. And nothing has really happened yet. So then i end up feeling guilty for feeling so logical like i'm already planning on him dying when he's not even been told he's dying yet. 

For the first week after diagnosis, we didnt even talk about it, we sort of just passed each other in the house, avoiding eye contact, avoiding having a cuddle, and most definitely avoiding the elephant in the room. We finally had a heart to heart at the weekend and i told him i dont want to lose him before i lose him. and things are a lot better since. His mum is however, heartbroken. Jon lost his dad when he was 22, his mum has never gotten over that, and i know that if she looses Jon it will literally break her. 

As its a leap year this year, and i've dropped enough hints over the years about him proposing (LOL) i am going to propose to him on the 29th February, and im guessing as soon as we can afford, we will get married. I have always wanted a big wedding but i may well have to sacrifice that as its such short notice. 

Does any one have any words of wisdom, or stories of their own? I'd love to read some positivity! :)