Hi Jaynie,

A very warm welcome to our foruum.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's symptoms. I know how difficult it is to care for her when you are working full-time. My own mum had breast cancer for 12 years before shewas diagnosed with secondary cancer By this time it had spread to her brain, bones, liver and lungs. We were informed that no treatment would help her. She was admitted to hospital and transferred to a hospice just 3 days before she passed away.

More recently, I have helped my father-in-law care for his wife of 80 years. Eventually, this became too much for him and we arranged to get carers coming in 4 times a day to attend to her personal hygiene. Although he found this intrustive in a one bedroomed pensioner's flat, it took a tremendous amount of pressure away from him. You might find it helpful to move to a GP in a medical practice where she would be within the catchment area.

When you are seeing the oncologist on Monday, ask about the availability of home care, explaining the situation with her GP. You might get help from Macmillan or Marie Curie. If the hospital doesn't want to have her re-admitted, perhaps you could get her admitted to the local hospice?

You have a hard road ahead of you, but you will find the strength to get through this and to support your mum in every way you can.

Depression is a common condition in people diagnosed with cancer and, this might be something worth discussing with her oncologist on Monday. A mild anti-depressant might be a big help for her. Deterioration can occur quite quickly in some cases. My father-in-law was admitted for assessment last February. He was diagnosed with grade 4 cancer that afternoon and died within 5 days.

If your mum is still well enough to be able to walk to the toilet and, is not totally confined to bed due to physical incapacity, it doesn't sound as if she is at end of life yet. However, in most cases with cancer patients living at home, their GPs leave them with an end of life pack, which nurses can administer. This is meant to make it easier and less painful for a dying patient. If you don't have a set up for nurses coming in, you won't have a pack like this. There are a number of different anti-nausea medications, so if the 2 that your mum has tried haven't worked, ask for something else.

Do please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for both of you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

She has had an unsettled night but I think this is a lot to do with that she is drifting in and out of sleep all day so when it comes to night time she cant settle .  She has not in any pain as such I do think alot of it is psychological (understandibly) so I just keep trying to make subtle little suggestions such as maybe you may benefit from sitting up in the living room for an hour or so - I know how it feels to be poorly and laid up then when you eventually try to stand you feel terrible dont you.  Mum has had a bitof a break through re the nausea she said it's not quite as severe and she might fancy some mashed potato and fried egg - which I am going to prepare for her and keep fingers crossed.  Her partner went home last night for a well earned rest bless him I think he was relieved to get a little break even though he would never admit it.  I have said to my mum we need to try and get her up a little more to give her a bit more strength for Monday appointment- I'm worried that they initially said she is strong enough for treatment but because she is so de motivated at the minute will this still apply ? I've just prepared her some cold fresh pears which she is eating :) her blood thinning tablets were also reduced to 1 twice a day yesterday so maybe its them that is making her feel more nauseas ? She was nauseas though for a couple of weeks before she was even diagnosed so maybe it's to do with her condition.   Is it normal that i am sometimes angry that she is not fighting this at the minute? (I would never show her that though) - will keep in touch this is such a helpful place to get everything out thanks x 

Thank you so much for your reply -  we have read your reply together and both had a good cry - it's so comforting to hear that it's not out of the ordinary regarding the appetite - it's good to hear that he steroids helped with your appetite- and  hope your appointment goes ok on the 8th much love xx 

This morning mum has eaten a banana and came to the sitting room for half an hour but she is constipated and says she feels full as though she needs to go but cant - I have also noticed this morning her skin tinged yellow - so I have called 111 and am now awaiting a callback from practitioner as we are not sure if we should be concerned and need to do something? This is all so trial and error and so scary for everyone worrying if we are doing enough etc etc - thanks again for listening 

Hi Jaynie,

This is pretty typical - your poor mum is up one minute and eating, then down the next. How did you get on with the callback from 111?  Yellow skin is usually a sign of jaundice. I only know this because my mum had a few bouts of this. She was hospitaised with it.

Try not to let the fact that she is not fighting this at the moment make you angry. Try your best to let her know how much you love her and, support her the best you can. Your idea of trying to get her fit enough for her appointment with the oncologist on Monday, is a good one. You may also find that you make food which you think that she will like, only to have her refuse to eat it once you have prepared it. This is all very frustrating for you.

Thinking of you both and, wishing you the strength you need to get through this.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi,

The 111 doctors came to see her they were amazing.  She has some sort of blockage hence difficulty going to the loo but they helped her in the toilet and the yellow cells not getting sent where they should hence the jaundice-  she managed to get some out she said she thought she was having a baby!!  She has eaten a tiny bit of mashed potato with a fried egg on?? That's the only thing she has fancied.   The doctor and nurses did say to her that she should try and be more mobile in and out of the room to keep gravity working to help with toilet she agreed but when they had gone she went back to the bedroom.  Her partner is sometimes not helping as he is so negative too which is understandable as he is also hurting and doesn't know what to do for the best so we feel like we have to support them both which again can be very hard as we are also upset ourselves.  The docs did say she could go to hospital but as she managed to go to the loo and she also has the oncology appointment Monday they were happy for her to stay at home more comfortable.  I have come home  now and her partner is with her so hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for her.   :) one day at a time 

Hi Jaynie,

I am glad to hear that the 111 doctors came out to see your mum and, that they were able to help her to move her bowels. I don't know what medication she is taking, but many of these can cause constipation. It might be worth mentioning this to the Oncologist and asking for a prescription for something to help this. I have CosmoCol sachets, which I take daily, but when I get really bunged up, I take one morning and night until I get back on track again.

I am glad to hear that she didn't have to be admitted to hospital and, I hope that she has a better day tomorrow.  You talk about taking things one day at a time. This is sound advice, but sometimes you will find that hour by hour is easier to cope with.

I sincerely hope that you get some help on Monday.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you me too - I can't help having a feeling of dread though because of al the horrible things happening it seems to scary to hope for something good to happen :( I also keep thinking that financially when something does happen to her how will I sort it all ? She rents a house which is full - she has no savings no insurance no funeral plans- I dont feel its appropriate to mention anything like that to her now but in reality it is going to happen which is giving me another massive black cloud over the existing one I already have due to my mums illness- sorry if I sound as if I am money orientated I am so not - I just wished I  hindsight I had spoken about it more when  she was well and that  it had been sorted in advance so that it would be one less worry :( is that a normal worry? I feel heartless worrying about it

Oh Jaynie,

You don't sound money orientated at all, This is a very real concern and, is something that so many people don't plan for. It is so unfair to leave loved ones to cope with this after they have passed. Are there any other family to make claims on your mum's estate? You still have time to get her to sign a simple will, which might save a lot of bother later.

Can you afford the cost of a funeral? If not, it might be worth looking into government help with this in advance, so that you know what is available when the time comes. I just had a quick scout on the internet and found this in the Guardian -

"There is some government assistance. The Social Fund Funeral Payment provides £700 for expenses (along with some additional money to help cover burial or cremation fees), available to anyone receiving benefits, without any close relatives with sufficient savings.

But it can takes weeks to sort out, and the payment has not kept pace with inflation, so most of the time there remains a significant shortfall. Information at gov.uk/funeral-payments."

I sincerely hope that you can sort some of this out, as this would help to lift that additional black cloud. You have more than enough to cope with, without these worries at this time. If you don't want to talk about this on an open forum, please send me a friend request and we can talk about this privately.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx