On Monday 21st October my life came crashing down. My beloved dad was diagnosed with lung, bone and liver cancer and he only has months left. He had had chest pains that moved around (between lung on the left and ribs on the right). His doctor told him to get a chest x-ray that he put off for two weeks till I took him. Two days later his doctor called to say there was a shadow on his lung though may have been from an infection. On 17th October he had the MRI and appointment with the consultant on the Monday. We arrived in plenty of time and due to his pain and breathlessness I got a wheelchair for him. Arriving at the department we had a half hour weight before needing to get his weight. Through no fault of the nurse as most patients go to get weighed without a family member I saw the patient sheet and saw the words 'urgent cancer next to his name. We returned to the waiting room and I didn't say what I had seen, all the while falling apart inside for the next 45 minutes till we were called in. Then were told the news and that it is terminal. He has months....they may be long or short. We lost my mum to dementia years ago but she passed on 1st June and I feel my dad had kept himself going to care for her. I am 40 years old but still think of myself as a 25 year old daddy's girl. I am completely broken inside. I am and need to care for my dad and having the first appointment with such final news has devastated me. I am keeping strong for my dad but keep having melt downs when at home away from him. I am terrified of what is to come. I don't want to loose him and since the news nothing else in my life seems important, not even my husband or sons needs. I am desperate to make this Christmas special. I had got us holiday cottages as I thought the first without my mum would be hard, but now knowing it is my dad's last is ripping me appart. I guess I am asking for tips to hold it together. To make this all special. To know what to expect for a final christmas. I am not even sure why I am posting this. I have been reading other posts and feel so much for everyone going through this too. My son is 20 and didn't quite accept his grans passing and is taking it hard but still he seems to find time to spend with his friends rather than his grandad and I am quite unfairly annoyed with him. I am spending nearly every hour i can and started staying over so when the time comes i have to move in it will not be so strange. He is young and so much loss in a short space of time is hard for me and I am twice his age I am just angry and upset and feel like I am on a roller coaster knowing the end of the track is unfinished and I can't stop any of this. Then there is the problem if what to do with my dad's dog. He has a very typical Jack Russel and I have 4 cats so I can't take him. Dad wants him at home as long as he can be but I don't want him going back to rescue as he's been with my dad 8 years. I feel so guilty i cant even take the dog when he is gone. Thank you for reading the ramblings of a heartbroken daughter. Just writing this has helped.
