Hi Fran - you've found yourself in an awful situation & hardly surprising that you don't feel strong or brave or scared. I'm sure everyone in your situation feels exactly the same way especially at first. I haven't been diagnosed with cancer altho' recently had a 'scare' & that was terrifying enough. However, I have a cousin who was diagnosed with bowel cancer about a year ago & was treated with chemotherapy. Happily he has made a full recovery & didn't find the chemo too difficult to cope with. I also have another cousin who's son was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 4 years ago & is still with us & battling on.

You say you don't know how advanced (or otherwise) your cancer is & how it will be treated & I've told you about my relatives to show you that a diagnosis doesn't inevitably mean it's the end of everything. Hard tho' it must be please try to look at the positive side of things if you can. Think of the fear as nasty little worm in your ear trying to make you terrified. Don't give it room - get mad at it - make IT scared of trying to intimidate you.

You say too that you have pain in your stomach & lower back. Some (perhaps all) of that might be anxiety & tension which can & does affect us physically & may be nothing at all to do with your being unwell.

All of the people on this site who you say you are in awe of are actually just like you. They are brave perhaps because they are further along the journey than you are. They know their diagnosis & have, perhaps, come to terms with it & made the decision to fight the battle. I don't doubt for a moment that in a little while when all becomes clearer & you have had time to process things, you too will find a way of coping/managing whatever is to come.

In the meantime do keep posting here whenever you feel like it - people will come along to offer whatever help, advice & support they can. Keep your chin up & get mad at that worm! Thinking of you. xx