Hi there Sarah...

Oh my ... you've had more then your fare share of going through this ... and I've been on both sides .. I think it's way harder doing what you are, and trying to keep it all going, while your heart is braking ... 

Your daughter is probly just angry at life and cancer and is feeling like she's loosing everyone she loves and doesn't know how to cope ... and unfortunately the one she's directing it at is you ... that's not uncommon for that to happen ... so know it's not you, it's this hateful cancer ... and dementure is just as crule ... my sister's in late stages of her vascular dementure and is so angry all the time .. and she's turned from the wisest, cleanest, no swearing big sis ... into someone who doesn't want to wash, swears all the time ... so I know what that's like ...

Please stop being so strong for everyone ... your not super woman, just a woman who's finding life so hard right now ... I think sharing tears and letting your kids see you cry, will let them know it's o.k to cry ... it's o.k to feel lost .. it's o.k to hurt ... and then instead of you holding everyone up ... you can walk this path hand in hand ... and know your daughter needs you now, she's just fighting it all ... 

I'm tagging a lovely lady on here ... [@Annieliz]‍  ... I'll ask her to chat with you .. she's been where you are now ... her ex had cancer and she had to help her kids through ..

Till then a big caring hug to you ... and a shoulder is always here if you need to chat ...

Chrissie 

Hello Sarah; so sorry you are having to go through this.  My situation was in some ways similar, in others different.  My son Ed lives in New Zealand now. His dad and I had many years together, punctuated by separations but we always seemed to come back to each other over the years.  At the time he became ill he was living in Cornwall and I was still living in London.  When he finally started to tell people he was unwell it all happened quite quickly; terminal lung cancer - he had always smoked.  I gave such help as I could - he had moved in with his sister in Devon who was caring for him and I sent Ed the money for a flight back to the UK.    Ed fortunately did not blame either of us in particular for the ups and downs (he blamed both of us I think).  Anyway I met him at Heathrow and took him to my London home for the night.  He spoke to his dad on the phone and arranged to drive down to Cornwall the next morning.  I was woken at 6am by my ex's sister who told me he had died during the night - that was not expected!  The following hours still rank as one of the most horrible days of my life.  Telling my son that his father had died before he could see him, following the long flight from New Zealand was awful.  Fortunately Ed is quite rational but of course he was upset.   He eventually settled with himself that he could remember his dad as he had been before his illness.  I realise that this has little bearing on your situation; you have a different set of problems to handle.   Ed drove striaght down to Devon and I followed a few days later and stayed with him - we moved into his Dad's house in Cornwall for several weeks to sort out his dad's stuff.  One horrible night I got a phone call from a hospital in Truro.  My son had taken a much-needed evening out with his friends; the pub where they had gone suddenly became the venue for a nasty fight.  Ed, being like me, tried to calm things down and got a smack in the face. I drove to the hospital at 3am  - will this nightmare ever end!   Fortunately Ed recovered and the perpetrator was prosecuted. I don't know why I am telling you all of this - this period was my personal nightmare.    Like you, I felt as Ed's mum I had to be there for him and do everything I could.    I think you can ask questions; I can understand your daughter being angry and sad - she is just hitting out at the wrong target.  Don't feel guilty about needing to hold yourself together - you are the mum here and hard as it is we have to roll with what it happening.   Have you tried to talk with your daughter?  Your girls are old enough to understand that relationships break up and it sounds as though you have tried to support her having a good relationship with her dad.  Maybe she has some irrational thought that none of this would have happened if you and her dad had not split up - and you are getting the short straw.  Have you spoken to your GP about getting some help for yourself.  You could also give MacMillan Cancer Support a ring - they are very helpful and knowledgeable about all things cancer-related.    Their Freefone number is 0808 808 0000.  I am acutely aware that my long message does not give much practical help but if you want to chat further I am very happy to do this, either on this forum or on a personal message.  Annie