Cancer Research UK main site

Drowning

Millie71
Offline

Hi everyone, I wish I could say this as my normal happy self but sadly that person has left the building.  I'm Millie, normally a happy 46 year old mother of 5 beautiful daughter's.  I have recently found out that my beautiful happy mum has terminal liver cancer.  Just typing this down is filling me full of dread as the tears are welling up in my red swollen eyes.  I think that I suspected  this diagnosis a long time before.  I dont know how but I just knew.  I found myself searching on Google (I know the worst place for scaring yourself) for liver cancer.  She was then diagnosed with sclerosis of the liver.  I then pushed the liver cancer to the back of my mind.  Anyway about a year afterwards she was diagnosed with liver cancer and they said because she has copd we can't operate and do a transplant.  I was ready to donate my liver to her.  They said sorry no can do your mum is too sick to have that operation as it is s long one.  I was devastated.  They then removed the tumour off her liver.  She was then given the all clear.  About as little as 2 weeks afterwards they looked back on her liver scan and found 2 more tumours on the bottom of her liver.  The cancer is now terminal.  I have days like today I just feel like I can't cope, I'm crying bucketfulls and feel like my world is ending,  I have depression anyway but it's now far worse than it was before.  I'm having nightmares, one minute I'm angry at the world the next I'm filled with these feelings of loss.  She hasn't even gone yet and I'm grieving for her.  How can you grieve for someone when she hasn't even gone?? Am I normal? I don't even know anymore.  I visualise her funeral, her being so skinny, even the Mac Millan nurses who she hasn't even met yet.  I see all these things in my dreams and in all honesty I'm scared I'm losing my mind.  Some nights I can't even sleep because my thoughts won't allow me to even close my eyes.  I feel alone even though I know I am not.  Has anyone else had these feelings?  please tell me I'm not losing the plot or something.

  • Offline

    Hello Millie71. Sorry about your mum.  Anticipatory grief is the term generally used for what you are experiencing; it is not uncommon.  Try to focus on the present; it is a shame to waste precious here-and-now time which cannot be replaced,  You are not losing your mind; it is not abnormal but it is not useful at this critical time.  This is so hard on you  and I hope you are getting some help (from your family and friends) while caring from your mum.  Please continue to post here for as long as you find it helpful.  Best wishes.  Annie

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Sorry to say but it will be torture because of your love for. You will go through all sorts of emotions but that does not mean you have lost your mind. 

    I would advise to spend and talk to her ad much as you can, think of all the things you want to say, how much she helped you, what she means to you, about your hopes and plans for the future. 

     

    I found the days painful and dragging on but looking back I regret not talking to my sister more, don't make the same mistake as me. 

  • Offline

    Hi Millie 

    We are both in the same boat and yes it feels like I'm drowning too. I'm sorry but I don't have any advise as I posted earlier seeking some myself. I heard a great quote "the price we pay for love is grief". it's so true and the pain I feel never goes away. I hate looking anyone in the eye as they are swollen from lack of sleep. Everyone must think I've a big problem with my child because i tell them he doesn't sleep!  I haven't told many friends because the last thing i want to deal with are texts enquiring how she is. This is hard and possibly one of the worst losses there can be especially if your close to your mum's like we are. It makes me so sad at how fast time has gone by. One minute she was well and next minute your world implodes . we both have children who need and deserve our love and energy. They stand to lose so much as well and that for me is possibly the hardest part of all this. I plan on keeping my mum here for a long time yet and an consoled by my belief in an after life. I am going to make any extra effort to be more present to them because recently I've been pouring all my emotion into my mum and giving them what's left over which isn't fair. I love them so much and she adores them and i feel so cheated for both her and them.

    Please stay in touch, I think we both need the support .

    Love from Ireland

    Denise x 

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Thank you so much Annie, it's good to know there is a term for what I'm experiencing.  I'm trying to enjoy the time I have left with my mum but knowing of her fate is true torture.  I can't help feeling that I wish I didn't know, I even selfishly told her that.  I feel like a horrible daughter saying those words and that makes me feel so much worse.  I dont have any friends only online ones as I'm disabled with fibromyalgia amongst other things.  I learnt the hard way that people don't like it when you cancel due to illness.  I take comfort in knowing these weren't good friends now but I do miss the chatter.  I have a brother but he is dealing with things a lot differently. Like not going to see her and denying that she is ill.  I worry about how he will take the loss when she is no longer with us.  Thank you so much for responding to me xx

  • Offline in reply to mp108

    Thank you for responding mp, I will do just that I intend to take her away for a holiday as soon as funds will allow.  She insists on taking my step dad away too but selfishly I wanted it to be just her.  Gosh putting it down on paper makes me think am I a nice person? I've always believed i am, now I'm not so sure.  I will spend as much time laughing and joking with my mum  I want to make new happy memories with her now.  Just wish I could could get a good night's sleep.  Thanks again xx

  • Offline in reply to Denise10

    Hi Denise, thank you so much for responding,  I am so very sorry to hear you are going through the same thing as I am,  as I am sure that there are many people who maybe don't have access to internet going through the same thing.  I take comfort also in knowing that there is an afterlife as I used to run a spiritualist church here in the UK.  I've even asked my mum to give me a codeword so that when I seek a good medium I will know whether she is genuine or not.  Strange I know it may seem to a lot of people out there, I want and need that comfort of knowing my mum will never leave my side.  My children are devastated, I wanted them to know about there nanna as holding things back would have been harder.  Especially since my mum doesn't want them there when it comes to her time.  Three of them are over 18 and the 2 youngest I wanted them to know that she was just poorly.  They are all taking things really well, but I worry that when the time comes it will hurt like hell for them too.  It is so hard with the kids as you say to give them what they need when you are finding it hard to function yourself.  I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone with the feelings of grief Denise as I hope you do too.  I am here if you need me to talk with also Denise.  I dont always have the right words or they come out wrong due to my fibro fog but I'm here anyway.  Nice to meet you!! Take care and I will stay in touch most definitely xx

  • Offline in reply to Millie71

    Hello again; you are doing okay so please don't worry.  Experiencing sorrow and struggling to cope are it seems a necessary part of our lives and from reading your posts you are the strong one who is holding things together. Please hold on to that; I am sure your mum loves and understands you well enough not to be put out by what you said to her.  If you really feel that you are not coping with everyday life then do have a chat with your GP who may be able to help you but please don't feel that you have done anything wrong with regard to care of your mum.  Again, I hope you will keep in touch.  Annie

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.