Hello All,

I am not really sure how to write this or what to say so I apologise that this is just going to come out as one incredibly long ramble...

My Dad (57) was recently diagnosed with Cancer, at this point we have no idea what Stage it is or any prognosis. I know he has a fairly large tumour, the cancer has likely spread to his lymph nodes and possibly his bones. There are more tests to be done but he will be starting chemo in the meantime. I do not live with my dad, I am 24.

Ever since I found out I feel lost, consumed in guilt and then hate myself for thinking so selfishly... For the first few days I didnt know whether I should eat, watch TV, laugh - everything had to be a conscious decision and nothing was a natural reaction. Everything I did was followed by a nagging thought of, what if he isn't happy or isn't well right now, what if he is hurting and I am sat here just being normal. 

I am working full time as well as studying full time and I feel like everything is falling on top of me at full speed. I can't concentrate and I don't know what to focus on. Should I be doing normal stuff. I cannot see my dad everyday but I have called him everyday and will be there whenever he needs me but I don't know if that is enough. I don't know if anything I am doing is enough. 

I do not want to defer because I would love my dad to see me get my masters degree but I don't know if it is selfish to carry on doing it. 

I can handle the idea that my dad might not walk be down the aisle or see my kids. He has been there for everything in my life and I have no idea how to be there for him. I cry and I feel like I have failed him because he is the one going through this, I am struggling with my uni work as I had coursework due in a couple of days, and then I realised how ridiculous it was to be moaning about this when he had it so much worse. 

Long story short... I just don't know how to cope or how to pull myself together. 

Really sorry if none of this makes sense!