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Will I get dumped again?

Triste
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My mother in law (effectively, I am engaged to her son) has just been given day(s) to live.  She has secondary liver cancer and  this has come totally out of the blue.

i am now faced with a huge fear that my partner will leave me at some stage after his mother dies.  The reason I feel this is due to a cyclical past of this happening to me.

my first husbands mother died of cancer when we were both early twenties.  Within 3 months of her death his whole attitude had changed and he cheated on me and went off with this other woman from his work.

a few yrs later a long term boyfriend of mines mother died unexpectedly, and again within a few months our relationship failed and he had found another woman online.

i have been with my current partner for 10yrs, and are happy.  But then I thought my other two relationships were fine too.  But they changed their outlook and attitude towards life so much after their mothers deaths I am scared I am about to lose my wonderful partner again when his mum dies.

i feel like I have always been a good partner, and I am loving and supportive.  But what if it isn't enough?  I am scared that he will think life is too short and want to find someone better than me, when the full weight of his loss and it's life changing feelings hit him.

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    Hi there Trieste. . 

    Well bless ya, l can understand why you are feeling so scared ... as it seems like that is following you ...all I can say, is when we loose a close loved one, everyone will grieve a little differently .. some close up and hold everything in ... men often feel they need to be brave ... others may want to talk all the time about the person they lost ... some may try and block out they have gone ... some it hits weeks, months, years, down the line .... and every other sinario you can imagine ...

    In my life experience of loosing loved ones ... if you can be open and accept how everyone are coping and give them the space to grieve in their own way, while saying you'll be there to listen, or just hold their hand whenever needed ... because we loose people when two people pull in different directions ... both hurting but in different ways ... 

    The one thing that stands out for me, was lots of LISTENING, hugs when there were no words ... and above all ... trying to get all those feelings in to a balance .... balance crying, reminiscing, even wanting to scream ... telling yourself it's o.k to feel like this ... but then once done, 'remember funny memories, good times , word for word, and loving looks from the one passed... until you can smile for a while ..and yes get on with normal things ... . and it's all about getting the balance ... that's what has seen our family through so many heartbraking times ..

    And those ones, esp young ones have the ability to cry, remember and then do something fun... we could learn a lot from them ... anyways 're think a few things ... you still have your mum in law .. and if you hold your hobbies hand now, this just may be the one who stops there right with you ... and you can walk any path holding each others hand, while still giving the space when they need to be alone ... and knowing it will pass and get easier over time .. but knowing it's a bumpy ride ...

    Don't think all those thoughts ... everyone is different ... don't try too hard to hold on to him, just go with whatever he feels ... and live in the day ... or as I try to do ... go with the flow ... big hugs Chrissie

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    Hello Triste.  It's a good job we don't know in advance what life has in store for us otherwise we might just give up!    But the point is that we don't know and if we expend too much energy anticipating the worst then sadly the worst might just happen.  You may have just had two men who would - perhaps - always have left a situation that became too difficult for them and who may well do the same with a new partner if a difficult situation arose again in the future.  As Chrissie says, don't try too hard and give your partner the space he needs.  I realise it is so difficult to know the right thing to do but try to do it without it being too obvious, just small things that make life a bit easier for your partner.  Sadly regardless of our best intentions some people will always bolt from a situation which they cannot handle and nobody can guarantee a happy ending.  I don't mean to sound as though I am some sort of counsellor because I am nothing of the sort ( for heavens sake, it would be a case of "physician, heal thyself" in my case!).  I have found that just making yourself quietly indispensible is often better than grand gestures.

    Do keep in touch with us if you are having a hard time.  Best wishes.  Annie

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