Hello Dave and welcome.  It is good that you have come here and set out all your worries.  I am sure many other husbands and partners have worried about the same thigns so don't be ashamed to say what you are really thinking.  There are lots of ladies on this forum who have had breast cancer and run the gamut of treatment and I hope they will come and talk about their experiences.    Look after yourself as well as your wife; you both need to be strong through the coming weeks.  Annie

Hi Dave,

Just to let you know that I will respond fully later so keep checking back. At the moment I'm having trouble getting my thoughts in order but I think I do have something to say.

Later

Taff

Ok then, brain is obviously not getting up to correct operating temperature but if I don't answer you now I'll probably forget.

I'm so glad that I read your post through a good few times because my first inclination was to say 'Give yourself a slap and get a grip'. Not very helpful or supportive, which is what this site is all about. But the most important words in your post are 'what if' and it's those words that are the crux of your dilemma.

Initially, after a cancer diagnosis, most people appear to be very confused and feel lost and overwhelmed. All normal there. The problem though for many, is that they then ponder on negatives, which is what you're doing. Partly because you feel that you cannot do or say anything right, you're worried that you're not, and won't be, up to the task of properly caring for your wife. You're feeling guilty. 'What if I'm such a lousy and shallow human being that my wife's looks might offend me?'

Well, and I'm going to be brutally honest here, if you're so breast fixated and concerned about looks and your own feelings rather than those of your wife, then you'd deserve to feel guilty. And I would find your opinion offensive. Objectively. 

But you haven't said that you are like this and you feel like this, just that you're worried because you don't want to feel and act like this in the future.

Can I suggest that in order to better evaluate what you do actually feel, that you read through several breast cancer related threads here on this site. This will give you an idea of how women feel about what they're going through and all the detail of their treatments, side effects.

After this research, imagine meeting some of these women, knowing that they have had mastecomies and possible reconstruction or maybe no reconstruction. Ask yourself if you'd be sympathetic. or put off by their looks. I've certainly found that since my diagnosis I look at everybody differently, because I never know what unseen conditions they may have. And it seems that most people are suffering from something.

In short then, find out how you actually feel. This will give you a better idea of how you might feel.

Most of us who have cancer are cognisant of the continuous effort required of a carer and aware of the possible negative effects our cancer and their caring, can have on their health.

And most of us are extremely grateful for their efforts. Some, especially in the early days, are unsure of their own feelings. They too are confused and overwhelmed and often fail to appreciate their carers, which may be why they give the impression that those closest to them, are always in the wrong.

And I'm afraid that that's all today's brain has to offer, I'm not sure if any of it makes any sense.

Best Regards

Taff

Hello dave1967. This forum is one that offers support and boy do us cancer patients offer support to each other. I get that everyone around goes through the "journey" with the cancer patient. It's such an emotional rollercoaster for the person going through it from diagnosis to the rest of their life. Every single day is precious so if you waste it on being unsupportive it will eat you up inside. The others are right - read thru the threads to gain a little bit of an understanding of what we've been through. Everyone reacts differently to treatment, side effects, etc. This is happening to her and her body - is that not what the focus is? Love is unconditional and not superficial and I know I have cut out the people who weren't there for me. Talk to a Macmillan nurse if you are both struggling with this as they are very good. Remember the vows were "in sickness and in health". You need to forget your fears or whatever you want to call them and be there for her. There is alot more to come for her so be the man who loves her - not her body or her hair or her boobs. If the tables were turned I'm certain she would be alot stronger and realistic.

Hello Dave 1967. I am so sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis, she must be very worried and frightened while all you seem to be worried about is how she will look.

You would do well to read the posts on here from the breast cancer patients, their support, advice and encouragement to fellow sufferers is truly inspirational. 

I think you are looking for some kind of sympathy when you say that anything you say or do is wrong, well the thing is your wife has cancer and is relying on your support. Yes it is hard for you both but it is your wife who has cancer.

I cared for my late husband at home on his cancer journey and in truth I don't think I could have endured what he went through. Yes it was tough for me as well but being his wife I gave him the best care, love and support that I could. I would give anything to have him still here

I really think you need to support your wife whatever the outcome.

Just a thought Dave... maybe you could let your wife know about this chat room ... where she will get support ... and a shoulder to lean on ...  and a hand to hold while on this path ... 

Hello all,

We’ve noticed that this thread has raised some strong feelings, so I wanted to stop by to remind everybody to be mindful of our Community Guidelines.

Please remember that it is all too easy for the tone and meaning of posts to be misinterpreted. Think carefully before replying to a discussion. Likewise, it is important to remember that things written rather than said can feel much stronger, so please bear this in mind when reading other people’s messages.

We ask that you give each other the benefit of the doubt and be sensitive to the feelings of others.

If you feel that something is insulting or unkind please do let us know - we're here to keep things constructive and supportive.

Thanks for your continued contributions to our friendly forum, all!

Helen
Cancer Chat moderator