Hi Dahlia,

Welcome to Cancer Chat, although I'm sorry for the reason that brought you here.

I lost my Mum to metastases from breast cancer many years ago, She survived for 12 years post- diagnosis  with primary lesions, but was told that she had secondaries in her lungs, liver, bones and brain in her final year. It was heartbreaking to see her deteriorate so quickly at the end.

Have they given you any sort of prognosis for your Mother-in-law? All you can do is to be there for her. Let her know that she is loved. I presume that she is still managing to stay at home? In which case, help out with housework, ironing, shopping - all the mundane everyday things. She will probably feel very tired and sore in her bones, so any help will be appreciated. If she is not feeling like eating. Make small, appetising meals for her. When she is nauseous, she won't feel like cooking either.

If she is still fit enough to go out, see if there are any places she would like to go or people that she would like to see. Is she a reader? If so, she may have difficulty in holding a book for any length of time, so you could read to her. If she likes music, see if you can find some of her favourite tunes and something to play them on.

This is also the time for the family to have a deep and meaningful talk and to say all that needs to be said. Do you have lots of photographs of her? If not, then take some. Although I appreciate that this is not the ideal time to take them, it is better than nothing and they will be treasured by family in later life. If you have a family, it is worth telling your children what is happening in an age appropriate way.

Keep an eye on her medical needs. She may not want to make a fuss or bother nursing staff,. If you feel she is in pain and needs an increase of medicine, then liaise with the nurses and tell them so. My Mum had a mouthful of ulcers at the end. These were really annoying her, but it wasn't until I spoke to the doctor about them that she was given a spray to use. If I hadn't been by her side continually after that, she would never have used this, because it was put on the top of her bedside locker and nobody came near her to administer it. By this stage she was bed-bound and couldn't reach it herself.  Needless to say, I was there to give it to her, but I thought that a hospice might have been better at doing things like this. Cleaning false teeth is another chore that most nurses seem to shun, as is putting them in and taking them out.

It is really just a case of taking things day by day and trying not to look at the bigger picture. You make her as comfortable as possible and fulfil any needs she has. Many people feel frustrated at this stage because they feel that there isn't that much that they can do. If you are looking after all the things I've mentioned, you will have plenty to keep yourself busy.

Does your husband have any other siblings, or is it all falling to you? It is maybe just as well that she doesn't appreciate how serious her condition is, as this just adds additional stress and fear for some.

You are facing a hard time, but I'm sure that you will have the strength to see it through. If there is anything I can hep you with, please don't hesitate to ask.

I pray for her and hope that she has a peaceful passing.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are both getting on. Remember, there is always someone here for you whenever you feel like talking.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thankyou for your reply jolamine. Yes my husband has a sister and she is very good. They are sharing appointments so it's not just left to one and we are doing things around the house & garden when my MIL asks because up until now shes still been managing to do things. We haven't been told as such what her prognosis is other than her cancer is very advanced and inoperable and all they can do is provide symptom management through palliative chemo. They won't go into detail as she doesn't want to know. But things took a turn yesterday, my husband took her for her ct scan and he said he didn't think she was well enough to go but she couldn't miss it! She didn't wake until 12pm, and still kept falling asleep on the way there and in the hospital. She wasn't too good on her feet and her breathing was laboured. She's been sick and had diarrhoea too but has anti tablets for these. She's still breathless this morning, but her nurse at the hospital just says it's because of the chemo. She is still at home yes but we are now wondering if we can get some nurses in to visit her a few times a week as we feel alone and unsure of what to do for the best. 

I thank you for all of your advice and tips. I shall be passing these on to my family and can I just say I'm sorry for your loss. 

Kind regards 

Dahlia 2017. Xx

Hi Dahlia,

It sounds as if you are doing the right things by instinct.

I am glad to hear that your Sister-in-law is sharing the appointments with your husband, so neither of them is bearing the brunt of the extra work, or feeling put upon. You said that your Mother-in-law was falling asleep on the way to and in the hospital. I can relate to this myself. When I was first diagnosed, 7 years ago, I had primary breast cancer. I found another primary in the same breast the following year. I just could not believe how totally exhausted I felt.

I could drop off on cars, busses, planes, trains, in theatres, cinemas – in fact anywhere- this was totally out of character for me. My poor husband would take me out for the evening and he would have to keep nudging me to waken me up. I know that he meant well, but it was a real endurance test for me. I am slightly less tired this year, but have suffered this exhaustion for 7 years.

Ask her care team about getting nurses at home – I believe that the MacMillan nurses are excellent. This would give you some peace of mind knowing that you have professionals coming in regularly who can look after her medical needs day-by-day.

Have you discussed treatment options with her consultant and have you been told how many sessions of chemo she is due to have? I believe that chemo is often offered at this stage to slow down the rate of growth and thus reduce the size of a tumour.

I am thinking of you all and wishing you strength.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx