I'm replying not because I share the same experience, but as my husband also has been diagnosed with cancer, I wanted you to know your not alone,  

tracey x

Hi Jess,

What a predicament you're in.  We all deal with a cancer diagnosis in different ways. Your husband has obviously decided that he wants to keep it to himself and not worry you. Little does he realize that he is doing the exact opposite.

It is so much easier for all when this can be shared. It is difficult to comment on his refusal of treatment without knowing the facts about his cancer, but I expect that he has experienced a lot of coercion to change his mind about this from his care team.

I expect that his anger at you when you challenge him about it is his way of dealing with things, as is walking away at times like this.

Do you have any family who could help you to change his mind? If he opens the letter from the hospital could you persuade him to let you go along to his appointment as well? Most people take a family member or friend along for support to all their appointments. The other thing that is worth doing is drawing up a list of questions for the consultant. If you can persuade him to do this with you, it might help him to open up, as you will both have some different questions that you want answers to. If he is not willing to do this straight away, why don’t you start the list on your own and then present it to him?

Remind him of his marriage vows and remind him that you are there for him ‘in sickness and in health’. Let him know how much his current stance is upsetting you. Let him know that there are plans to be made if he is to leave you shortly. Has he got all his papers in order?  One of the first things I did when diagnosed was to review my will and to take out a funeral plan. I know that this sounds macabre but I felt better having done it, as I now know that I have provided for my death without leaving a financial burden on my family to bury me.

I do hope that you can break through this barrier for both your sakes. It might be worth having a quiet word with his GP to inform him of the situation. He won’t reveal the source of his information to your husband.

Have you considered consulting a counsellor? They must deal with this sort of situation frequently and might be able to give you some ideas. There are many cancer organizations who offer this service free of charge – Maggies, McMillan and The Haven, to mention but a few. If you cannot find one ask you GP.

I sincerely hope that you find a resolution to this impasse. We are always here if you want to talk. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Really hard. Maybe he's trying to protect you?. I'm not a medic and I don't know you or your husband,.But I know that pancreatic cancer is really serious. So he may have received a really bad prognosis. Which means he may be terrified for his own sake, and worrying about you. No easy answers here. Harry. x