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The Fear

Balibee
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Not me but my husband. A cough that wouldn't clear; xray, ultrasound, ct scan. Now tomorrow is a biopsy. Everything so far is terrifying.  I seem to remember only about ten words from the consultation on Friday: lung cancer, secondary, kidney tumour, inoperable. 

Then he said there was nothing he could say until the biopsy. I'm not sure there's much else he can say. Today I went to work and couldn't say anything because they would only ask questions I couldn't answer.  Now we have to wait in limbo over Christmas trying to create some kind of normal when I don't think we'll ever know normal again. I've read everything I could find and I wish I could unread it all. My husband wishes he'd never gone near the doctor. 

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    Hi I posted for the first time yesterday aswell and your post describes pretty much how we are feeling. My husband at 51 has been diagnosed with tongue cancer that has spread to lymph nodes. We've had biopsy done on both but we are now just left waiting,like you,  for results and next course of action. Consultant has run quickly through several scenarios and possible side effects but as you say it's hard to make sense in the moment. I too read things online and decided to stop as it's terrifying me more. The thoughts are all consuming day and night and I'm not sure if these will become easier. Just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel and you're not alone. 

  • Offline in reply to Wifey25
    Just waiting to get picked up to go with him for the biopsy. Work is being quietly understanding. They must know what it's all about. But just now I just feel alone. He doesn't want to tell anyone until after Christmas because we won't have anything to tell them. Can't get rid of the sick feeling. How can I be any use to him when I still expect to be told that it's all a ridiculous mistake.
  • Offline in reply to Balibee

    You're situation sounds so similar to mine. My husband is being funny about telling anyone and I'm trying to be supportive and hold everything together whilst living in constant fear. It has made me quite ill over the last week as I'm not sleeping and I am starting to realise that I need to lean in other people or I won't be any use to him atall.  The wait between appointments is so difficult but I hope that your results whatever they are can be reassuring as you hopefully will find out what happens next, at least that's what I'm hoping for us. Try and stay strong. 

  • Offline in reply to Wifey25
    Thank you so much. Sitting just now in an empty waiting room. The endoscopy dept was indeed of backed up and we sat from half 12 till half 3. Gradually everyone else got taken and then the nurse came for my husband. Not two minutes later she was back with tea and biscuits for me. It's the kind of tiny kindness that can be the undoing
  • Offline in reply to Balibee
    He couldn't tolerate the endoscope. They tried several times, his face is all bruised from all the coughing. Sent home and now instead of going through Christmas and new year waiting for results we'll spend it still waiting for tests. It's only been 4 days but it feels like we've lived like this forever. He feels like he failed at first hurdle.
  • Offline in reply to Balibee

    Hi,

    I'm sorry to hear other people going through this. Your husband didn't fail, he's had a setback but you'll overcome it. I don't know how any of us are supposed to get through this calmly.

    l'm sadly new as well. I'm 48 and have been diagnosed with breast cancer this week. I'm terrified. It's all happened so quickly. I've had the biopsy and am due to be told the type and grade on Friday. Today I got a call from the hospital to go tomorrow for a full body scan. Now I'm even more scared and feel I can barely function. It is true to say it's all-consuming. Everyone at the hospital is so kind but I am so frightened I feel useless and the waiting is so hard even though I understand it can't all be instant. It's not a diagnosis you want anytime but Xmas does feel like an extra burden and it's usually my favourite holiday. 

    We have to remember that plenty of people get through this.

     

  • Offline in reply to Matas8
    Dear all on this thread. I have read all your posts with a heavy heart. I know exactly how you feel , and the fear can become all consuming. You are all starting your journey a journey that will be tough however you will meet great professionals and fellow patients all traveling in the same direction . They will bring you hope and realize there are many going through the same. I won't bore you with my situation apart from saying having a scan tomorrow to rule out reoccurrence and I know how you feel as I am their myself
  • Offline in reply to Midge2
    Dear all, thank you. Just thank you. It's Hellishly lonely but this helps already. I actually worked at work today. Just for a while and not nearly so much as I need to. But I nearly felt normal. Then I had to call my husband. It's hard because he is also my primary customer, and for the last month I've been trying to help him when he's been tired and poorly, but that's harder now when I have no powers of concentration. When do you ever again have a normal conversation that's not flavoured with worry? Enough already. One day at a time x
  • Offline in reply to Balibee

    Well done, re one day at a time . I understand fully re concentration . One try's to get on but worry niggles it way back in. It's two years for me all going great until a funny  scan in November, thus re scan tomorrow . I would say however I have periods when worry does leave you . I was stage 3 

  • Offline in reply to Midge2

    Midge2 good luck today. I don't know what else to say. 

    Except all the very best of luck. Post later, tellus how you got on x

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