Hello. It's nearly 2am and I'm sitting in bed wide awake, scared and lonely. 

On returning home from abroad 3 days ago (I am cabin crew), I went to my parents house where I was given the news that my Dad has been diagnosed with AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia). Up until this point I'd never even heard of it. Dad had been undergoing several blood tests in hospital as an outpatient due to fatigue and breathlessness. He recently turned 75. 

He and Mum were given the diagnosis 2 days before my return and my brother, sister and partner knew but understandably didn't want to tell me whilst I was away from home. This caused them a lot of concern and they felt awful that they had this terrible news while I was oblivious to it. 

 The prognosis was that without treatment, Dad may have as little as a few weeks left. Only last month myself and my partner were on holiday with my parents, then this news. I had been up all night flying back to The U.K. so was feeling exhausted anyway, I just couldn't take it in.

At this stage we were unsure if he would eligible for any treatment due to his age and the advance stage of the cancer. Dad insisted he wants quality of life over quantity so would refuse any form of aggressive treatment.

The next day he had an Echo Cardiogram on his heart and an appointment with his Oncloogist, who told him he can have chemotherapy at home (self-inject) and this may give him up to a year longer.

This is being treated as 'good' news and he has been really upbeat as has my family.

Now, I know this may sound selfish or irrational, but I feel that as I had to wait 2 days after the rest of my family to hear about his cancer, I am trying to play catch-up with my emotions and everyone else seems to be in a different place of acceptance (or denial) about this. I can't help it, but it's made me feel a ilittle resentful.

Dad wants us all to carry on as normal as possible, not to treat him any different and enjoy what time and health he has left for as long as that may be. we have always had a very close family and my parents are wonderful people and dearly loved by so many.

I just can't take everything in at the moment. I have spent the last 2 days with Mum and Dad, 2 of their grandchildren, spent time with my brother, my sister is coming over from New Zealand on Wednesday. I have been irritable with my partner and treating him as though he has done something wrong. I cried quite a bit at first but since then have held it together in an effort to be 'strong' and 'normal'.

Dad doesn't look 'ill' at the moment and apart from the tiredness if he does too much, the window on our family life doesn't look any different from what it was a month or year ago! We had a beer earlier, he went to play a couple of holes of golf with friends, he is genuinely enjoying himself.

We've always had a lot of fun and laughter and Dad wants this to continue. I've been trying my best but the whole enormity of the situation keeps hitting me in waves of panic, nausea, anxiety and depression.

He knows he is going to die, he says he's had a good life and doesn't want to drag the end out for our sakes. He has always been a very generous and selfless man and I've suddenly realised how much I love him all too late.

Over the last 24 hours, I have heard myself saying to people "we're going to be OK, we'll cope, we need to be strong for each other and Dad" but what I actually feel contradicts it. At times I have little moments of feeling, 'oh, alright, we can do this, it's going to be OK' shortly followed by 'this is really happening, I can't cope.'

I consider myself quite a strong person, more so as for the last 3 years I have been seeing a wonderful therapist who has helped me with various issues including anxiety, low self-esteem and an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Earlier in the year I came off anti-depressants and I have never felt more 'together.' I haven't seen her yet since 'the news' and she retires in September.

I'm as equally terrified as whether Dad goes soon or in a year as it just feels like prolonging the death sentence. 

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