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Girlfriend has terminal cancer. Struggling.

Caleedonia
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Hi, 

we found out a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend has triple negative metastatic breast cancer. I am absolutely heartbroken. Our whole world has come crashing down and I'm finding it hard to keep it together and remain positive in front of her when she is being so brave and strong herself. I am filled with dread about the future and the thought of being without her seems incomprehensible:( does anybody out there have experience of a similar situation that can offer some advice both on how to help her and myself? I feel completely numb have lost the will to do most things. 

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    Hello Caleedonia,

    I am so sorry to hear you found out recently your girlfriend has metastatic breast cancer. It is normal for you to feel numb and in shock at the moment, to feel like your whole world has come crashing down. You seem to be very caring and I am sure your girlfriend really appreciates having you by her side at the moment.

    You have come to the right forum to meet other partners of loved ones with cancer who may have in the past gone through what you yourself are going through right now so they can offer you their perspective and hopefully help you feel a little better and less alone.

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator 

     

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    Hello Caleedonia,

    I totally know how you are feeling.  Last year my husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer at 68 and our world fell apart.  It would be true to say I fell apart more than he did as I realised life was changing from that moment one.  His prognosis was a year and he actually only had 9 months but we enjoyed those months and became very close in a strange way.  Get help if you need it, I had to go to the doctor to get myself sorted so that I could be a good strength and help to him.

    Best wishes,

    Dorothy

  • Offline in reply to Dorothy1946
    Thanks Dorothy, My girlfriend is only 31 we have been together 8 years and are due to marry later this year. We havent had a prognosis yet but I know she has a very aggressive advanced cancer so I am prepared for the worst. Life is vey cruel. Finding it hard to act normal and be positive for a wedding when I feel like someone has punched me right in the gut. But I know what you are saying about it bringing you closer. My whole view on life has changed I am trying to be there for her as much as I can. What happens when she gone is another story! I fear for the future. I went to the doctors but was told they wouldn't give me anything I had to deal with it myself. I might get a 2nd opinion at some point. I hope you are coping and I am sorry to hear about your husband. Warm regards. Caleedonia.
  • Offline in reply to Caleedonia

    So sorry to hear your news I feel your fear I'm diagnosed at 32and my partner and me have felt closer than ever we have a little boy we have been together 8 years too they don't know what stage mine is at yet till they remove it.  It is a very hard time for you both I think you will cherish every last moment together and have a beautiful wedding I know it must be really hard though.  I'm going on a trip next week and feel it's my last trip ever.  I suddenly appreciate the world around me but feel so angry and upset at the same time.  You are lucky to have e each other right now.  I wish you all the best. 

  • Offline in reply to Caleedonia

    Hi, just wondered how you are doing. Have you had any more news. Did you manage to get back to the doctor. Its their place to help you and you need to be able to function for both of your sakes.  I know how you are feeling, its devasting news.  

    Take care

    Dorothy

  • Offline in reply to Dorothy1946

    Hi Caleedonia.  I'm so sorry to hear your sad news.  My partner of over 30 years has just been diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer, which has already spread to neck, hips, womb and liver.  It is so difficult knowing how to carry on and cope with everyday life, as well as trying to support the one we love and fear losing so much.  I'm sorry too, to hear that your doctor wasn't helpful.  I'm going to see my GP on Tuesday and am hoping they will give me something to help me sleep.  I know we need to 'process' what's going on and face what is to come - and of course wouldn't want to become reliant on drugs to block stuff out BUT, without rest etc we won't be in a great position to support our loved ones, will we?  I wonder if you could go back to your doctor and ask again for some help?  Are you in touch with a specialist cancer nurse who could support you too?  Maybe you could speak to the Oncology team and see if they could contact your GP to ask them to give you more effective support?  I don't know if any of this will work - just trying to think of what I might do if my own GP refuses help.  Take good care of yourself x

  • Offline in reply to Finley
    Hello everybody thanks for your responses. I cannot imagine how you feel TraceyLois to have the diagnosis yourself is a completely different scenario and I am sorry to hear about your bad news. I hope you and your husband have many years ahead, try to think of enjoying the small moments as they come. I've drawn inspiration and strength recently from thinking this way. I have to say I feel a lot better this week, I found out. Candidly my fiancée had told someone that I looked utterly distraught and sad and that I was acting like she was already dead and how could she expect to me strong when I am not, and it really hit home with me. I've had a complete attitude change and I'm really living by the words of one day at a time enjoy the smaller moments (whereas before they were just a mantra). Finley I hope you can take some inspiration from this, I think it was the best thing I could have heard as it has given me the courage to be there for her. I'm not saying I am still not struggling but I feel like I have more of a sense of purpose now and it helps to have that motivation. I'm really sorry to hear about your wife Finley, it really is awful to have that thrust upon you unexpectedly and it's hard to know how to react, I feel the exact same so if you ever feel like you need to speak to someone going through the same I am here. I think I will be leaving out the doctors for a while now, to try and deal with things myself but further down the line this might change. Especially after she is gone, but that's another story all together. I just want to make as many happy memories with her as possible at the moment and really cherish all the time we have and make her feel loved. I hope you are all having as nice a weekend as possible. Regards Caleedonia.
  • Offline in reply to Caleedonia

    Hi, tell me how you have managed to change your manner and responses please? I am definitely not doing my partner any good and cannot seem to get hold of my emotions. I have no resilience at all. My mood is low all the time, pre occupied, crying, not sleeping, palpitations, intolerant...worst of all I'm very,very angry at him for getting cancer, getting it at a stage that gives poor prognosis, angry at the cancer, angry at everything. I need to support him. He must be terrified and feel worse when he can see its destroying me...so any tips would help 

  • Offline in reply to Mandy123
    Hi, I changed my manner because I found out from a 3rd party she was really looking for me to be there. I would never have noticed that alone if I had never been told, so I imagine your partner could be in a similar position. Please do not be angry at him he did not choose this. I'm still struggling but I'm putting on my bravest face and being there for my fiancée, she deserves it. Nobody asks for this horrible disease and when it strikes the ones we love we need to dig as deep as we can and be there for them no matter how much it hurts us. You are allowed to be angry and sad, just try not to be like hat around your partner all the time... If you can spread the misery to friends/ family so you can give your partner at leastsome positive memories and qaulity time.i know it's hard, I'm struggling too, but there's nothing we can really do other than be there for them. Hope you find comfort I the fact you are not alone. Wish you well, sending my love. Caleedonia xx

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