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I don't think I can cope with my mum having cancer again :(

HB84
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We found out 4 days ago that 16 years after a successful bone marrow transplant (which only had a 12% success rate) my mum has developed mds and we should get her bone marrow results by Friday. 

I think the trauma of her having only weeks to live when I was 14, having to witness years of treatment, things being touch and go and having to say goodbye etc has had a profound affect on me subconsciously making me very needy of my mum all my adult life. This is literally like reliving a nightmare.

she had me very young and to say we are like best friends would be an understatement, we do everything together.

I can't stop crying, i had a panic attack at work, I want to be with her 24/7, I don't want to see anyone, go to work, or even look after my daughter. I feel if my mum dies I want to go with her. She is my absolute world.

I think I'm coping until this wave of total despair comes over me and takes my breath away, like when you drop in a lift suddenly or drive over a hill and your stomach churns.

please someone tell me there's hope, my mum would normally be my lifeline but now I need to be hers but I don't know if i can cope with this again :( 

 

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    Hi HB84

    I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

    My mum had breast cancer when I was 16 and then a couple of years ago she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer so I can understand how you feel.

    My mum is my mother, my best friend, my confident, my agony aunt, my financial advisor, my inspiration, she's literally my everything and all I can say is that it absolutely sucks.

    But there is always hope. You don't have the results yet so try to remain positive, for your own sake and for your mums. I know it may not seem like it now but you will find the strength. I'm not sure where it comes from (probably from our amazingly strong mothers!!) but you will find the strength to get out of bed in the morning and put a smile on your face - if not for you then for your mother, I know mine is my strongest motivator!

    The best piece of advice anyone has ever given during this time is "what would your mother do?". I know if roles were reversed my mum would be doing everything in her power to stay strong, positive and cling to normality - what would yours do?

  • Offline in reply to SaraLou

    Hi SaraLou

    thank you for your response, it made me feel much better knowing there's someone out there who understands how I'm feeling x 

    how's your mum now? 

    We found out today her leukaemia is back and it's all looking very bleak tbh

    The saddest thing is to hear her crying how she doesn't want to die but she can't face the battle again. My mum is one amazing, strong woman but something's different this time. There doesn't seem to be much hope.  She was incredibly Ill and very close to death the 1st time around. She's worried her body just couldn't take another bone marrow transplant. It can be horrendous if it doesn't go well.. 

    Life feels very dark right now, like it'll never truly be light again. Crazy how your whole life can be turned upside down within 1 week. 

     

     

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