Hello Melouisa and a big welcome to our forum,

I am sorry to hear your mum has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I hope you will get to talk to others here who have had to have this difficult conversation with a child and they will be able to tell you how it went for them,  how they phrased it and how their little ones reacted to the news.

In the meantime, we have some information on our site on talking to children which you can read here.

I hope it helps and best of luck to your daughter for her revisions and her mock exam.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi,

My husband was diagnosed as terminally ill (Mesotheliioma) and with palliative care was ill for nearly three years before he died.  My two grandsons were  just 6 and 1 at the time.  The younger one will have few memories (other than our talking about him) but the 6 year old asked us questions when he knew granddad was poorly.  When the time came (a couple of days before he passed away) to tell him the saddest of news, my daughter and son in law sat with their son and explained that grandad was too ill to be made better and that he was likely to die soon.  It was upsetting for everyone and my daughter had made his school aware of the situation and they were very supportive when my grandson become emotional in class.  We are now 17 months on since my husband died and my grandsons are doing well and consider their grandad to be an additional star in the sky and we have no problems in talking freely in front of them and continue to answer any questions honestly (if we cry, we cry together).

You know your own child the very best and am sure will know the right things to say (even though it will be very sad to do).  As your daughter is 10 she may already have asked questions and be aware of more than you realise but as she has exams looming I would personally tell her main teacher as allowances can be made at exam times and their support can be helpful.

My thoughts are with you at this very sad time for all the family.  Jules54

Hi there Melouisa, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that your Mom has been diagnosed with this terrible disease. First of all, I would like to say that Jules and her daughter and son-in-law seem to have handled their situation very well and appears to have worked for them. Your daughter being a bit older may have already picked up on some of the news around your Mom's illness. I don't know that I would raise the issue with her at this point unless she asks, or tells you that she thinks her Nan will die. If she does, then you need to be honest with her, but perhaps answer her questions first and clarify whatever may be troubling her at that point. Once her exam is over, then you can open a discussion with her by first asking her if she has any questions about her Nan being ill. Sometimes parents and/or caregivers provide more information than kids need all at once. You know your child better than anyone and you have some idea what she can handle. Go with your gut feeling and try to get a sense of where she is on it at that point. Once the conversation is opened, she may have questions then. Answer her questions as honestly as you can without providing more information than she can handle at one time. If she thinks about it and comes back with more questions, then you answer them. It also doesn't hurt to let  your daughter know that you are feeling sad about your Mom being so ill. After all, she is your Mom and I believe kids learn empathy from their parents.

I hope this helps. It's always a balancing act when talking with kids about very sensitive issues and for the most part, parents go into it with the best of intentions. When we do out best, we then have to hope for the best outcome. I'm sure it will be fine for you. Just the fact that you wrote into the forum here to ask for help with this, shows that you have your daughter's best interests at heart.

Good luck with it and come back on here to let us know how it goes for you, and also to talk about your own feelings with your Mom's illness.

Take care.

Lorraine 

Thanks for sharing I have found this really helpful. 

She is aware Nanny has been to hospital, cannot miss the physical changes and is asking why I am doing certain things instead of nanny doing them herself. As yet she hasn't asked any pertinent questions but I'm sure she knows things aren't quite right as she seems lost in thought at times. When she does ask these questions I will be honest with her.

She has already lost the grandparents on my husband's side but they lived away so the relationship was not strong (and she was a lot younger). We also see them as stars in the sky which is really helpful.

we have informed her main school teacher but will make sure it is mentioned to those who are involved in the exam itself (this will be held at a different school). I didn't realise allowances might be made but am glad to hear it.

Thank you

Hi again

Sounds as though you have done, and will do ,what is right for you as a family unit and the forum is always here to offer a listening ear (for your own thoughts too). Sadly we all come to a point where we have to talk about someone dying and although there is no comparison my grandchildren had suffered the loss of a pet not long before my hubby died which did help with the understanding a little.  We live only 15mins away from my grandchildren and so they also saw the physical decline of their granddad.  Having said that they were here playing (and keeping him amused) during the day and then went home to bed.  Hubby passed away later that evening and it was not the easiest breakfast conversation that m y daughter and son in law had to have.,

In the weeks that followed there were the inevitable questions  but for the then six year old he tended to worry more about me and his Mum, who were  devastated at the loss of a much loved and respected Husband, Dad, Grandad  though we had some uplifting moments (including him wanting to marry me off so I had help with the washing up!) when only a child's humour could break through the grief we all felt as a family.  I know your Mum will get much pleasure for as long as possible from seeing you all and it will help her (as I know it helped my hubby) to enjoy the time she has with you so just answering questions honestly as they arise will benefit you all during this difficult journey.

I hope the care yourMum receives helps her to enjoy some special times and wish you and the family all the very best and hope your daughte get's into the school of her choice.  Take care.  Jules