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I'm not sure what I'll get from this

Jamroo
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This may sound stupid, but the only time I ever truly think about what is happening is when I've been out drinking, my mum had what we thought was a mini stroke, but after a blood test and an mri scan i believe we found out she had a brain tumour, and after more tests she has a tumour in her right glands and blotted in other places. I'm not sure why I don't think more about it, I'm pretending that it's not happening, I've had points where I've wanted to post something, but backed out refusing that something might help. But I feel like I'm struggling, she says mean things probably due to the steroids, and she's the closest person, she's been through a lot and I am who I am because of her, I'm going to post this and maybe it will give me help, but are there any tips to help me come to the realisation, or perhaps advise, I try to keep myself to myself and other peoples happiness comes first, bBut I have to start coming to the truth. I'm sorry for perhaps bad sentences, but I just don't know how to process the whole thing after losing both nan and granded.

 

She went to the doctors yesterday and was told that she was to sick for chemo (i think is a good thing, i believe in alternative remides other than a 2.3% success rate) as her body has been out of shape for a long time, after heavy drinking, the tumour in the lung has grown, I'm the youngest of her kids (i'm 20) and i'm never trusted upon, probably because she doesn't want me to know.

 

I also have to have the burden of my brother saying hurry up and die so he can kill him self, which he was the only father figure (man I had) in my life, I'm feeling just so confused.

 

I really can't think of a life without her being proud or seeing me grow up. 

 

I still get so angry with her over simple things like what she does, like she still smokes and I complaing, I get that she needs to do what she needs to get through it, but I don't want to blame myself for things that I shouldn't, no one will probably read the whole way through as it is all over the place, like I said i've wrote things and just cancelled out, but I'll give this a try and hope I can get some things from this.

Kind regards a dumb emotionally stupid 20 year old

 

Perhaps there's something deep down from my past in why i can't share my emotions with anyone (which is why I can't get a girlfriend) maybe I need counceling I don't know, 

 

Sorry and I appreciate if anyone does reply. It all happened so quick within 2 months things have changed

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    I'm sorry it doesn't make much sense, I'll give details more now I've sobered up.

     

    My mum had a mini stroke, took a blood test and it wasnt, they did a scan and kept her in and my brother is intelligent, when the doctor said it wasn't he said, what was it a tumour, or something else and the doctor whispered tumour. Had to hold back tears after crying until he told everyone. Next was a PET scan and a CCAT scan, the PET scan showed tumours in other bodily places which they believe originated from the lung (adenocarcenoma) they then did radiation on the whole of the brain, I wanted just on one point instead of the whole. She was on 6 sterioids a day plus various others, was drinking a lot, never slept and I've seen her sleeping standing up, said please try and lay in bed and get screamed at for being there. Me and my brother live here so we have to deal with it, every time she had a bad night everyone else decided they would help tidy up after my mum trashed the place (and almost set fire to the whole place twice) me and my brother being the most unprepared or having the most difficulty (my brother has aspergers and hates the world) and me not having a word in my brain to help only make things worse. She's now down to 2 steroids, more her self, sleeping a lot more and too sick for chemo, as I said I don't think chemo is the best option, there are others which might or might not work better (diet, alchaline water, not a lot of sugar) but mum didn't want to listen. We got the blame for being bad because we didn't let her do what she wanted, instead we would question why she needed, or try and make her eat healthy, not drink and smoke, we thought if she changed she might live. We're on our own until something bad happens, bless eleanor they've been helpful, but the lady we have isn't very helpful in the way we see things (me and brother think alternative is better, and everyone else says when is chemo or agrees with things eleanor says) the lady, aggreed mum was to sick for chemo and is losing the battle now, but the next day told family she should do it? 

     

    My brother is my help, and I get a lot from him, and as he has aspergers, he's difficult because he's so depressed he wants to kill himself, and he's 23 before being the most active and having the dreams of extreme sports and traveling, now has artheritus in his hip, I have the worry of losing my mum and possibly losing the only person whose given me advise. I'm not smart, but I'm smart in people and morales, everyone else who's helping doesn't truly mean it, they only trying as my mum is sick, never before, only now helps. Maybe it's the wrong forum, but I think the details. I just spoke to my mum and she wants to get me counceling and perhaps that would be better than a forum, but I thought this would be a start in believing in the system. 

    I'm probably in the wrong section,

    I hate my messed up lovely family, black sheep family, best child Jamie lol. 

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    Now readng this I feel kinda embarrased speaking about it to people i don't even know, this is a try, I doubt anyone will reply, it doesn't really have much of a question, just need tips on how to deal, stop being so stressed and come to terms.

    I think the first answer is not argue back, and just be nice and kind, but how do you do that if they know how to really make you angry? 

     

    (I'm not sure on the forum rules, sorry if i'm not aloud to spam, probably not, but everytime I come back ro it I change my idea on what the situation is.) 

  • Offline in reply to Jamroo

    Hi Jamroo.  Lovely to welcome you on here and sad to hear you and your family are going through tough times.  I have got advanced breast cancer and now just hard that has been on my family.  You have done the right thing by coming on here.  They are many people on here who have loved ones with cancer and they can, I am sure, give you their thoughts on how they cope.  You can also ring the staff on here - you'll find the telephone number on the site.  Do you have any cancer support centre near you eg a Maggies Cancer.  These are great drop in centres, usually at hospitals.  They are fab, welcoming places where you can drop in any time you want and get some help and support with the issues you are facing.  I hope this helps.  You are not dumb and emotionally stupid.  You sound like a smart guy who is actively doing something to sort out the problems at home.  Please come back on here and talk anytime you want.

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